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1.
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Switch the oven on and fire it up to 180° in a Centigrade stylee.
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2.
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Get a sharp knife (well, obviously) and then chop up the spuds.
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3.
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You might want to wash the blood off both the knife and your hands after you're done with the spuds. Some people take exception to meals with too much red on them.
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4.
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Now boil up a big saucepan full of water. It's clever, this bit, you'll like it.
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5.
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Once the saucepan boils, chuck in the potatoes. Now, I know what you're thinking, but don't worry - I hate boiled potatoes too. This is merely a means to an end. Honestly, trust me.
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6.
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If I were you, I'd give the potatoes... oh, let's say about half an hour.
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7.
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Bet you're wondering what happens next.
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8.
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Right then. Line a baking tin with cooking oil (none of that olive oil rubbish though, I don't care if it is good for you, it's foul), lob the sausages in there and pop the whole lot in the oven for around 20 minutes.
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9.
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While you're at it, pour a little bit of oil into a roasting dish and chuck that in the oven and all.
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10.
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Now, you want to chuck the eggs into a mixing bowl.
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11.
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Perhaps I should've mentioned that you need to break the eggs into the bowl, preferably without the shells. Don't look at me like that.
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12.
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Scoop up and remove all the tiny little bits of shell.
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13.
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Mix up the eggs and then add about half a pint of milk. Yes, I know a "please" would be nice.
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14.
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Let's have a look at how it's coming along... yeah, that's about right so far.
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15.
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Now what you want to do is grind in just a dash of salt. I tend to add a smidgen of pepper as well, but I'm mad like that.
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16.
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By the way, have you checked how the taters are doing? They're probably boiling over by now, so if I were you I'd put them on simmer... and then you might want to mop up.
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17.
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Don't forget the Yorkshire pudding mixture, that needs to be mixed together until it looks like a drippy yellowish mess. If it looks like somebody's thrown up an omelette, you're on the right track.
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18.
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Right, now the flour. Add that to the mixture... but very... very carefully...
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19.
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NO! I said carefully! Look at that, you've just recreated the mountain sculpture from Close Encounters Of The Third Kind in the bowl. You'll have to mix all that together now. Good luck.
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20.
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Is the pudding mixture taking on the consistency of wallpaper paste yet? If it is, stop right there sunshine, you're onto a winner. If it isn't, add even more flour and keep going. It's not difficult, you know - if I can do this, anyone can.
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21.
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Right then, remember those two trays you chucked in the oven about twenty minutes ago? I'd get them out of the oven if I were you.
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22.
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Yes, I know you should've used oven gloves. It's too late to start moaning about it now. Swearing and shouting will get you nowhere.
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23.
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...Have you stopped screaming now? Good. What you'll need to do now is to put the Yorkshire pudding mixture into the tin with the sausages and the potatoes come out of the saucepan, into the other tin and the whole ruddy lot goes back in the oven for about half an hour or so. Should give you plenty of time to seek medical advice on your burned hands.
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24.
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While all that's cooking, you might want to sort out some vegetables. Off you go, then.
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25.
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When you're about ten minutes away from dishing up, you probably ought to make some gravy. It's very easy - jug, boiling water, Bisto, stir, job's a good 'un.
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26.
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Once the half hour's up... what? What about the vegetables? I'm not your mum, you work out how to cook them.
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27.
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Anyway... look, stop interrupting. I know you're in pain, but at least today you've learned that oven gloves aren't just for decoration.
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28.
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Done? Right, as I was saying, once the half hour's up, take everything out of the oven. No, leave the shelves.
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29.
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The Yorkie pud should look pretty damned spectacular if all's gone to plan. Time to start serving, I reckon.
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30.
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Now, do you see what's happened to the spuds? They've gone lovely and crispy, haven't they? That's because when you boiled them, it took out all the starch. See, and you thought I didn't know what I was doing.
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31.
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Stop admiring the food and whack it on the plates.
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32.
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Gravy? Don't mind if I do, ta.
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33.
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And there you have it, one proper roast dinner. Easy.
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34.
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Fin.
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