December 2014 – Play That Funky Music


t2014122

DCCXLVI – December 2014

Running total Highest chart placing The song and who did it
8007
7
JEALOUS
Labrinth
8008
1
THESE DAYS
Take That
8009
7
I LOVED YOU
Blonde featuring Melissa Steel
8010
2
YOU GOT IT ALL
Union J
8011
7
NIGHT CHANGES
One Direction
8012
5
LAST ALL NIGHT (KOALA)
Oliver Heldens featuring Kstewart
8013
1
UPTOWN FUNK
Mark Ronson featuring Bruno Mars
8014
5
GOT NO FANS
Wealdstone Raider
8015
4
UP
Olly Murs featuring Demi Lovato
8016
1
SOMETHING I NEED
Ben Haenow

 

I’m not quite sure what Labrinth is up to with Jealous. Is he trying to channel Coldplay, and in particular, Chris Martin? Did he forget to tell his backing band what day the song was being recorded? I have no idea. Whatever’s going on, it’s a brave attempt to do something a bit different, but I’m not entirely sure it works. Next, Take That serve up their latest single, and it’s another one that sounds like it was designed to be easy to licence out for use in telly ads. I mean, it’s not bad as such, but it’s got “Car Advert Aimed At The Under-25 Market” written all over it; it really does sound that engineered to me.

If I Loved You had been released in 1993, it would’ve been a deservedly huge hit; however, this is not 1993, it’s 2014, and I Loved You sounds incredibly dated for something that’s gone Top Ten in this day and age. Now then, Union J. 2, 34, 71 and out – that was You Got It All’s chart run. If ever a band’s fanbase consistently mobilised on day one and day one alone this is it. It’s not even as though the song’s doing anything to bring in new fans – it’s formulaic ballady tosh of the sort that Blue were peddling ten years earlier. It’s quite sad really.

Oh good, another downtempo pop number. It’s come to something when Union J get a higher chart placing than One Direction, but the difference is that Night Changes sounds like a lot more thought has been put into it, and that might be why One Direction’s single stayed in the singles chart for another three months after Union J had crashed and burned. I still don’t like this one, but I have to admit, it’s a far better song. Not as good as Last All Night, though. Good as even that is, it doesn’t hold a candle to Uptown Funk, which, if you don’t mind me saying, is utterly magnificent. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if this ends up┬ábeing the best thing both Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars will ever do, but if either of them do top this I would very much like to hear that song. Somehow, seven weeks at Number One seems scant reward for such a good tune.

The Wealdstone Raider is a Wealdstone FC supporter who briefly became a YouTube sensation; naturally, he’s ended up fronting a charity single. It’s… different, I’ll give it that. Bloody hell… Olly Murs has done another decent single. What strange magic is this? Finally, as is usually the way these days, the year ends with the Christmas Number One which is supplied by this year’s one-hi- sorry, I mean flash-in-th- no wait, that’s not it… X-Factor winner. Yes, that’s it. I’m sure he’ll go on to have bags of hit singles, just like Leon J- no, I meant Steve Brook- er, hang on, Sam Bai- oh, for God’s sake. Anyway, he sings his song very efficiently and very predictably, the backing track does its job just like it would for whoever would’ve won if he hadn’t have emerged victorious and the video shows His Journey From Zero To Hero, as winners’ singles always do. Something I Need knocked Uptown Funk off the top for Christmas, but not only did Messrs Ronson and Mars reclaim pole position seven days later, their single was still in the Top Ten after Ben Haenow’s offering had fallen right out of the Top 100. That, I think, tells me everything I need to know about the two songs’ respective qualities. You know, one day, people will start referring to X-Factor winners’ singles in the same way we now regard Eurovision Song Contest entries and I CANNOT WAIT.

With that, 2014 comes to an end. Not so much a glorious finale, more of a mercy killing, but I don’t control what you lot buy. No, I just have to listen to it, so cheers for that. Anyway, 2015’s just around the corner. I can only pray it’s an improvement on 2014…