OOPS!... I DID IT AGAIN

Britney Spears

In which Britney bravely dumps the all-American girl-next-door image, tears up the kiddiepop rulebook and stamps gleefully on its remains, adopts a rougher look, gets drunk on the telly, hires real guitarists and real drummers, gets a job as centre forward for Doncaster Belles every Sunday, ends up totally alienating her fanbase and eventually goes off to form a religious cult whilst living in a run-down caravan on a beach near Skegness. Or not. Obviously the above will never happen, but it's a damn sight more interesting than anything happening on this single. I never wondered what Baby One More Time would sound like if it was mixed with (You Drive Me) Crazy, but now I do anyway. Remarkably similar, as it turns out. Isn't that a surprise? I really hope the rest of the new album's not as predictable or as bland as this, but I've been wrong before.

SEXBOMB

Tom Jones with Mousse T

This is a turn-up. His singing is about the only thing that survives from the dismally cabaret-esque album version. As a result, it's been speeded up so you can dance to it and it's now far better than it was. I think that about covers it. Next!

CANDY

Mandy Moore

See what you've done, Ms Spears? One of popular music's Nightmare Scenarios TM has arrived - the Britney Wannabe. There's only one way to tell the two apart just from listening to them and that's the eighties-funk sound employed here. It's a bit like hearing an uninspired collaboration between Jamiroquai and Level 42 (well, how pleased would you be at collaborating with Level 42?) and, while it's not the worst thing ever, it bores me anyway.

DIRGE

Death In Vegas

You know how you hear a song that basically just repeats the same thing over and over again and you think it's really unimaginative and deeply boring, not to mention total pants? Right then, you know how you can hear another song that also repeats the same thing over and over again but this time for some reason it sounds fantastically creative and you don't want it to finish? You're way ahead of me, I can tell. This is miserable, repetitive, certainly lives up to its name and it's also utterly brilliant. Bet that didn't surprise you at all.