PIECES IN A MODERN STYLE

William Orbit (album)

This sounds nothing like you think it will. You’ve heard Barber’s Adagio For Strings on the radio and thought "Gosh, that fellow’s certainly brought that tune up to date, in fact I think I’ll even do a little dance in time to the music". Be honest now, you did. Then you heard he was bringing out an album full of these Bangin’ Choons TM and thought "Golly, that chap’s been very industrious, in fact I think I’ll even purchase the album". So you bought it and you listened to it. And here’s where I have a problem with the album. It’s not uplifting or breathtaking or anything like that. It’s as boring as hell. All the songs are here all right, just as they’re listed, they’re all done on synthesizers and other such technological advancements, but there’s no beat, no drums, not so much as a whiff of a cymbal for the most part. As a result, most of the songs sound remarkably alike and after three songs (including nine and a half minutes of a beatless Adagio) I was switching on the telly in the hope of tuning into a World Paint Drying Championship just to alleviate the boredom. To sum up, it’s cleverly done but there’s no way I can recommend it unless you’re really, really interested in classical music. Sorry.

DESERT ROSE

Sting

It’s bad enough he’s forgotten how good he used to be in the Police and so now feels morally obliged to dump horrid middle-aged MOR pop music on us from a great height. No, now he feels that mere singing is not enough and he has to yodel his latest musical offering to us. It’s a sad day when a multi-millionaire singer-songwriter can get thoroughly trashed in the yodelling stakes by a mere hamster and, I’m sorry to say, that day has come. Let us now bow our heads and observe a minute’s silence for the passing of a career.