The Best Songs Of The Millennium

BORN SLIPPY

Underworld

Melody? Ha! Underworld have no need for such things! Just some bloke firing out seemingly random words and heavy beats pounding away like a crazed rabbit, that's all. And that, my friends, is sometimes all you need in order to create a top tune. Or a career, in the case of Artful Dodger.

ENJOY THE SILENCE

Depeche Mode

As far as I can see, there's just no way you can top this song because it's sheer perfection crammed into four and a quarter minutes. It's not been created and marketed specifically for a Number One placing, it's not a power ballad so Mariah Carey will never cover it, it's just a simple song that gets in, does its job and gets out with the minimum of fuss. You'll hear many worse songs than this, but if you find one better, I'll be very surprised. That's why it's the best song of the millennium in my opinion.

The Worst Songs Of The Millennium

A WHITER SHADE OF PALE

Procol Harum

Apparently, this is a classic song from the greatest decade popular music has ever known, namely the 1960s. Cobblers on both counts, says I. The first warning sign is the Hammond organ - my Grandad has one of those and his has never emitted that godawful sound that the one in this song produces and I am eternally thankful for it. Then the bloke starts to sing and the whole thing completely unravels - I can't make head or tail of any of it. That wouldn't matter if the tune was any good, but no. The whole thing has that last-song-at-the-disco-for-the-over-fifties stench hanging over it which means that maybe when I hit 50 I'll be able to appreciate it. I have a feeling, though, that if you come back to me in 2024 about this, I'll still hate it.

NIGHTS IN WHITE SATIN

Moody Blues

Whittling down all the musical atrocities from the last 1,000 years to just one uberhorror ended up being a much harder task than I originally thought. In the interests of fairness, I had to discount novelties (Teletubbies, Mr Blobby, Steps) and charity records (USA For Africa, Children's Promise, Perfect Day) and just go for the songs that simply failed to be good. So now I can honestly say that this is easily the very worst song I have ever heard. For starters, the tune is about as enjoyable as the prospect of being run over by an Austin Maxi in front of all your friends. It goes beyond dreary and heads on down the road to Suicidally Boring and worse - it never, ever seems to end. But let's not leave the 1990s on a miserable note. Merry Christmas to all three of my readers and don't forget, as you hurtle towards the new year, don't forget to chuck this despicable record out of a window first, smiling as you go.