COGNOSCENTI VS INTELLIGENTSIA

Cuban Boys

It’s difficult to know where to start with this one. It’s deliberately rubbish. It’s apparently sung by a hamster. It’s got a title that most people can’t even pronounce, let alone spell. In short, if ever there was a dark horse for that coveted spot on the Christmas Day Top Of The Pops, this is it. Now, this leaves me very confused. I can’t slate it because it’s way beyond that and heading on into another place altogether and I can’t praise it to the heavens because, well, have you heard it? The only thing I can say for certain about this single is that I hope it does well, because you need a bit of everything in the charts. Even if it makes no sense whatsoever.

IT’S ONLY ROCK’N’ROLL

Children’s Promise

This is heavy stuff, this one is. Everyone who is anyone and Jon Bon Jovi have turned up to warble all over this ancient rocker from the Rolling Stones (I’m talking about the song, not any particular band member) and the result is extremely professional, polished, well done but not in the least interesting. The stars turn up, they do their bit and they go home. Easy life. It’s for a good cause, so I say buy it. I won’t go so far as to suggest you listen to it because that would be silly.

The Best Songs Of The Millennium

CAMOUFLAGE

Stan Ridgway

Let’s travel back to the mid-eighties, shall we? There was just as much tat then as there is now, only more of it had lyrics. However, there was also Camouflage. It told a story about an American soldier who was out in Vietnam one day when he got ambushed. His gun jammed and some big burly soldier (the Camouflage of the title) came along and helped him out, eventually helping him back to base before disappearing. The soldier told everyone about what happened, where he was politely informed that the real Camouflage had been ill all week and went on bucket-kicking duty that very night and he was actually helped by a ghost all along. Spooky, eh? Now, you tell me they still write them like that anymore.

The Worst Songs Of The Millennium

LONG HAIRED LOVER FROM LIVERPOOL

Little Jimmy Osmond

What are you talking about, Osmond? It’s people like you that gave Hanson an excuse to exist. You can take your horrid rag-time melody, your amazingly short-looking hair and you can go find a map of the British Isles, look up where Liverpool is, compare it to where America is, realise that accents like yours aren’t that common in Merseyside thereby giving you no reason to sing the song in the first place and then get lost. Thank you. (Please note – I know he’s grown up, but I didn’t review this back in 1972. Not being born yet is just one of many reasons.)