THE MILLENNIUM PRAYER

Cliff Richard

I hadn’t heard this until last Friday (funny how I couldn’t find it on the radio) so his appearance on Top Of The Pops was the first time I’d got the chance to hear this. Now, I’m not sure but the tune certainly sounds familiar in a just-after-midnight-on-New-Year’s-Day-only sort of way and as for the lyrics, well, I think they were written before Cliff was born (this could be The Ultimate Cover Version). I mean, come on, next you’ll be telling me Christmas is a religious festival and not something cooked up to allow celebrities to switch on some fairy lights in their home town! It’s all very clever, this strange hybrid song, but I’ve heard the a cappella version (it’s spoken – controversial!) too. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, that’s the saying, but if it ain’t broke and you do fix it and you get to seriously embarrass lots of broadcasters when it goes to Number One, it’s all worthwhile. In your face, Radio 2!

RE-REWIND (THE CROWD SAY BO SELECTA)

Artful Dodger

Yep, it’s more of the same boring speed garage that I thought died out 2 years ago. In fact, the only point of interest is the line "The crowd say Bo". What does it mean? Is it a) a clubbing term or b) one of the Dukes Of Hazzard has just walked in on the recording of the song? Discuss.

The Best Songs Of The Millennium

I FEEL YOU

Depeche Mode

GOIN’ DOWN

Melanie C

Let’s conduct a scientific experiment. First, find somebody who has never heard of the Mighty Mode or the Sporty Mel and who also has a window in their immediate schedule. A hereditary peer should do nicely here*. Next, go round said peer’s house with a copy of World In My Eyes (the preceding Mode single) and Goodbye (the corresponding Spice single). Play said tunes to him. Afterwards, make him a nice cup of tea and let him watch Countdown. The break is important, it gives him time to evaluate what he’s just heard and, crucially, will allow his aged mind to assume that what’s to follow will be similar. Now, play him I Feel You. The opening screech alone will ensure that his gob isn’t just smacked, it’s thrown around the room and then put back neatly in place. Now for Goin’ Down. As above. Now leave – quickly. In conclusion, these two songs show that you never know when a really good song’s going to arise. Or who’s going to do it. The defence rests.

* for the simple reason that at this point in time, loads of hereditary peers were getting chucked out of the House of Lords by those nice people in the House of Commons. Bless ’em.

The Worst Songs Of The Millennium

BARBIE GIRL

Aqua

DOCTOR JONES

Aqua

Sometimes I suggest appropriate punishments for appalling singles. This time though, there’s no need. If you want to know what happened to Aqua, just pick up a bottle of shampoo and check the ingredients panel. Either you’ll be disgusted or, like me, you’ll feel that justice has been done. Moral - if you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.