KING OF MY CASTLE

Wamdue Project

It’s been a hell of a long time coming, but by God we got there in the end. Readers take note (all three of you)! We finally have A Decent Number One Single! Hooray! Yes, it’s an event and we must enjoy it while it lasts because the horror that is Boyzone is lurking ominously over the horizon, ready to reclaim the ultimate prize. So what makes this good and, say, Blue not? Well, they’re both good tunes for starters, both very jolly and upbeat and they both have meaningless lyrics. Where Blue went horribly wrong was to vocode the whole lot, making it sound like it was being sung by a Cylon (except the line containing the words "By your command" was sadly omitted). This doesn’t mess things up. I like it loads. I’m happy now.

NORTHERN STAR

Melanie C

And then I get something like this to listen to. The bright side – it’s the final Spice-related single of the millennium (unless you count that Children’s Promise single which I don’t) and the last chance for any of the four to claim possession of the Christmas Number One. The down side – the song’s as predictable as Westlife announcing their next single will be a ballad. It still beats the pants off any Spice Girls single, but next to the power and the glory that is Goin’ Down it sounds like a very sad, uninspired, pedestrian effort indeed. In fact, stuff this, I’m off to listen to that instead.

The Best Songs Of The Millennium

GIRLS & BOYS

Blur

How close was it in the end between this and Song 2? Er, well, not very because it was actually a toss-up between this and Beetlebum. I can hear them now, all the fans who’ve been with Blur all the way from the beginning (which the Britpop-lovers will swear blind as being Country House), screaming "He doesn’t like Song 2! Heretic!". Well, I do. I just think this more tuneful and lyrically better effort is more worthy. OK?

Despite the warning, you read it, didn’t you? Definitely one of my least favourite reviews, that one, but I’m leaving it here so as to keep up the site’s reputation as A Complete Record.

The Worst Songs Of The Millennium

MY HEART WILL GO ON

Celine Dion

Where do you start? This is the ultimate arms-aloft, fists-clenched, cigarette-lighters-ahoy, stomach-turning, movie-cash-in, howling-banshee-driven power ballad and it’s a work of pure evil. I hate this song. There’s no two ways about it. One of my readers suggests Loving You by Minnie Riperton as an all-time horror – I agree completely, but it does have an alternative use as a car alarm. This horrid Titanic tie-in has no redeeming features whatsoever. It’s too mushy, far too sentimental, purely designed to tug away at the heartstrings and it’s completely and utterly insincere. It’s not even worth the effort of microwaving it.