PERSONAL JESUS 2011

Depeche Mode

If you ever find yourself looking for a really awful song, the best thing to do is to look at the singles chart, pick out a track that has the current year tacked onto the end of its title (either the two or four-digit format should do the trick), have a listen and voila! Almost without exception, the shockingly dire cacophony that’ll force its way out of your speakers and into your unfortunate lugholes will be the smoking remains of a once proud song, considered a classic of its time, but now eviscerated, disembowelled, sterilised and either "updated for the twenty-first century" or "reworked for a new generation." Very, VERY occasionally, the new version stands up on its own two feet (qv. Infinity 2008), but this week I’m going to tell you about one that doesn’t. Oh no, it really doesn’t. Now, both of my regular readers will be well aware of my fondness of the music that’s come from this band in the past, but I’m not blindly loyal. I know when I’m being sold a dud and this, dear reader, is a dud of the highest (or lowest) order. Let’s start with the vocals first. They’re fine. All present and correct. No problems to report. Now the tune... oh yes, I really should mention that Stargate have been all over this song like a dropped jar of Bisto. This is the same act who remixed Toploader’s Dancing In The Moonlight and in doing so, namechecked themselves at the start whilst confidently predicting "another surefire hit." They didn’t namecheck Toploader though, which was unfortunate seeing as it was pretty much their only hit... but I digress. Aside from the fact that the original glam rock-esque, "guitars and beats ahoy" melody has been thrown in the bin and replaced by a bland, pedestrian dance number, you’d never know anyone’d been near it. That’s the problem with this song, y’see. In 1989, there was nothing else in the Top 40 like it. Actually, there wasn’t even anything in Depeche Mode’s back catalogue like it. What Stargate have done is to strip it of nearly all its individuality and leave behind a hollowed shell of a tune. Even the keyboard riff has a little tinkly bit, for crying out loud! This is supposed to be an in-your-face stomper, not a Pop Party filler track! You know, if this was a terrible remix I could accept that, but it’s not terrible, it’s BORING. That’s far worse.