SITUATION

Yazoo

Well, here's a great big "Get Stuffed" to the chart compilers. This isn't just a single, it's not even a maxi-single, it's a huge lumbering beast of a single that smashes everything in its path. Three tracks maximum says CIN - nine plus two videos is better value for money, say Mute Records. Twenty minute time limit says CIN - fifty-seven's more like it say Mute. And how much is this mighty creature? Four quid! It's almost unbelievable! Despite all this, the best news is yet to come. It's a fantastic song too. Think of Don't Go's narky little brother and you get the general idea. Mute Records, respect is due in large quantities. Isn't it strange how a major label didn't think of this?

BABY ONE MORE TIME

Travis

Forget Turn, which is actually the A-side. That's dull, boring pants in the same vein as everything else they've put out this year. This melodic rocker is the real reason you'll be buying this single and you know it. Britney Spears never sounded like this. As novelty value goes, the nearest thing I can come up with to relate this to is Tori Amos' cover of Smells Like Teen Spirit (yes, it really does exist). What next, Mel C doing a one-woman monsters of rock version of Wannabe? Oh, apparently that's been done too. Fine, what about the Teletubbies singing Bring Your Daughter To The Slaughter? No? Pity.

The Best Songs Of The Millennium

THE PERFECT KISS

New Order

Blue Monday wasn't even in the running compared to this marvellous piece of musicianship. First off, let's discount the 7" version which appears on the Low-life album because that's not the song as it was intended. No, I'm talking about the eight-minute monster that's on Substance. It's one of those songs that starts off like a normal song and then suddenly changes direction halfway through and turns into an amazing epic of a song, with rocking guitars, a gradual build-up and even frogs croaking. Fantastic stuff. Even the video's good, featuring the band playing the song live in a recording studio. They really don't make them like this these days.

The Worst Songs Of The Millennium

I WANT TO WAKE UP WITH YOU

Boris Gardiner

This isn't just awful. Listening to this is the musical equivalent of having your stomach pumped (both result in your dinner coming back up the same way it went down). You think I'm being harsh? You listen to it then. It's things like this that gives reggae a bad name, really it is. It's gentle, easy-going, sung by a middle-aged Jamaican bloke who promptly dipped back into obscurity and it was Number One in the summer of 1986, so why does the mere mention of it cause normally well-behaved adults to run screaming from the room when it's played? Because it's terrible, perhaps. It's too gentle, it's too easy-going and I refuse to talk about it anymore.