LIFT ME UP

Geri Halliwell

After listening to this lifeless and (thankfully) utterly forgettable ballad, I felt distinctly unwell. Must be all that sugar contained within the rotating aluminium demon… But what’s this? Could it be that this is coming out on the same day as Emma Bunton’s first solo outing? It is? Spices At War! Baby and Ginger head to head! There can be only one! For heaven’s sake, who really cares? Not me, I have more pressing things to worry about, like wondering whether Sheffield Wednesday will finish the season with fewer points than it takes to be banned from driving.

MADAGASCAR

Art Of Trance

The first time I heard this, I honestly thought it was dull, repetitive nonsense. And the second time. Now, after a few more listens, I can rate this one very highly indeed. God alone knows why (but then it’s the little things like that that makes him God), but this little number’s a right grower and no mistake. It’s got a thumping beat, a repetitive riff, a really odd bit in the middle where some outrageous echo-type effects kick in, no singing whatsoever and I can’t say any more than that in terms of describing it. If I were you I’d buy it because it’s the only way you’ll get to hear it, I’m afraid, because it’s one of those offerings the radio won’t touch. Typical.

NOT OVER YOU YET

Diana Ross

Diana Ross walks into customs, a customs officer asks if she has anything to declare, Ms Ross says, "Yes, Chain Reaction is a magnificent song", there’s a huge disagreement on the matter, a scuffle ensues and everybody’s favourite ex-Supreme ends up locked in a small sparsely-decorated room that could do with a make-over from Carol Smillie’s mates. Well, it could’ve happened like that. Mind you, it’s all publicity and that’s what this disco offering needs. It’s rather reminiscent of Cher’s reinvention as a disco diva, but done better. That’s not saying much though, because this is an unoriginal pile of pants as well.