WE USED TO WAIT

Arcade Fire

There are many reasons why this song will not be tackled by an X-Factor contestant this year. Here are a few.
1. The house band's piano player is going to take one look at the sheet music and accuse somebody of having a laugh.
2. It changes tack several times, so everyone concerned is actually going to have to pay attention, no going through the motions here.
3. Never mind the band, what about the singer? He / she would have to get used to singing at what would feel like seemingly random points. Get out of that one, sunshine.
4. Then there's the small matter of some lines beginning before the previous line ends. Two singers required? Come on then, Jedward - do your stuff.
5. It's not a very cheerful song to serenade ITV1 viewers with on a Saturday night, could send half of them over to BBC One.
6. It's nearly five minutes long, which makes it distinctly ad-break unfriendly.
7. It's not a positive, life-affirming song that says "Yay, I made it against all the odds!" It's a song about letter-writing.
8. It's not an arms-aloft, howling-banshee, "emotional rollercoaster" number.
9. Finally, I really like this song, and that's doomed its chances from the outset.

BEAUTIFUL MONSTER

Ne-Yo

Ever wanted to hear a song being finished while the singer does his bit? You could do worse than this one, you know. This song clearly hadn't finished cooking when Ne-Yo starting laying down his vocals (man). Don't believe me? Listen to the start; you can hear him crooning away while the melody bubbles away in the background, slowly coming to the boil. Once the chorus comes in you'd be forgiven for thinking that was it and the song was ready, but no, it's all gone horribly wrong and it needs to brought back to the boil again. Perhaps they put in too much thyme, or not enough Ovaltine, I don't know, I'm not a chef so I don't really care. So once again the song burbles while he warbles, and again the chorus kicks in and again the whole thing goes flat afterwards. See, this is why you don't cook songs into existence, it can only end in tears... and something inedible. Perhaps next time he'll make a tune the same way as everyone else. Still, the end result's not bad. Decent enough song, but an awful appetiser.