Oh look, Christmas is on the way again. By the way, if the first you knew of that was reading it in this column just now, I’d suggest that you’ve probably got more serious things to think about than just buying Christmas presents. Anyway, this is the time of year when the singles chart gets clogged with all sorts of festive frivolity, which basically means lots of ancient festive releases covering a staggeringly wide spectrum of quality. Is a Christmas single really that important in the grand scheme of things? No, of course not, if it was then The X-Factor winner’s single would be I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday rather than some apparently random choice. However, that said some songs are actually quite good, even in the opinion of this miserable humbug-meister, and in previous years I’ve found some that I deem to be Genuinely Decent Yuletide Singles. Let’s see if I listened to any more of those this time round, shall we?

I WISH IT WAS CHRISTMAS TODAY

Julian Casablancas

Some people like their songs to say "peace and love," others prefer to have their songs say things as profound as "actually, no, I won’t do what you tell me." However, if you want your song to say "Christmas," start if off with a bucketload of sleighbells. That says "Christmas" without any shadow of a doubt, after all, how many summer anthems feature sleighbells? Not many, I’ll wager. Of course, if you REALLY want your song to say "Christmas" even though the sleighbells should’ve done the job more than adequately, try putting the word "Christmas" in the title. Foolproof. Julian Casablancas has done both in his brave attempt to come up with a festive classic that will be heard every yuletide from this year onwards, and he’s done it wrong. Nothing wrong with the tune, it’s cheerful and jolly and festive, and nothing wrong with his singing either (after all, if Mr Blobby can claim a Christmas Number One then vocal ability obviously isn’t high on the list of requirements). No, he’s got it wrong with the chorus. It doesn’t appear enough, which somewhat puts a torpedo through the whole "singalong factor" aspect of it, not to mention the fact that the last minute or so is entirely instrumental. It’s a good song, but as Christmas singles go he’s done it wrong. Below he’ll find an example of how to do it right.

MISTLETOE AND WINE

Cliff Richard

Not really. Me and this song just don’t get on. Yes, I know it’s festive, yes, it understands the True Meaning Of Christmas, and yes, it does everything right, but it’s just too much. It does everything TOO right and far too seriously. If a proper Christmas song is fun for all the family, this is an extended edition of Panorama. It’s a worthy song, but I’ve never found it to be an enjoyable one. Next!

MERRY XMAS EVERYBODY

Slade

"Are you hanging up your stocking on the wall?" bellows Noddy Holder. No, actually, because I never had a stocking. When I was a puppy I had a pillowcase instead, which may sound stupid but you can fit much bigger and better presents in those than you can with some manky sock nailed to a wall. Father Christmas wasn’t dealing with amateurs when he visited our house I can tell you. The thing is though, the only thing that’s really festive about this song is the lyrics. There are no sleighbells, no "delightful" singing children, only Mr Holder’s assertion that it is, in fact, Christmas (a word he somehow pronounces with 35 consecutive ‘a’s). Slap some different lyrics over the top and this could be any Slade song; they ask a series of questions from start to finish, almost as if even the band themselves aren’t really sure what’s going on - they ask if Santa rides a red-nosed reindeer, then they ask if he turns up on his sleigh, then they move on to you and ask you what you’re doing. Are you waiting for the family to turn up? Have you got room for them all? Is your gran going to say they don’t write songs like they used to? Well? Have you? Is she? Answer the questions, citizen! If I’d been around in 1973 I’m pretty sure I’d have reviewed this song negatively. It wasn’t the best single they released that year, it doesn’t sound Christmassy and I’d have predicted that as soon as New Year’s Day 1974 rolled round this single would crash and burn and never, ever be heard again. I would have been completely wrong on that last point, and do you know why? Because it’s got a killer chorus, that’s why. Everything else about this song is purely incidental, but it seems the whole of Britain knows the chorus and (pay attention Mr Casablancas) they sing it over and over and over again to make sure you know the words. THAT is what makes this a Christmas classic. Well, that and Noddy Holder screaming "It’s Christmas." That helps.