1999

Binary Finary

If I was a sad DJ-wannabe I'd write the word "Tune!" in stupidly big letters and leave it at that, because apparently that's how you review dancey singles these days. I'm not though, so stuff that for a game of soldiers. Songs like this deserve better than that. I'm slightly biased going into this one, because last year's version (called 1998 - yes, yes, I know, what amazing originality) was really something special. It bopped, it bounced about, DJs asked if it would go off on one and it duly obliged. It was terrific. So now, obviously, it's sequel time and for once the revised edition matches its predecessor. It's a more trancey affair this time, what with Gouryella working their magic, but I really couldn't care less who remixed it as long as it sounds good and by golly it does. This is exactly how it should be done.

(I NEED THE) DISKO DOKTOR

Space Raiders

Do you remember the theme tune to CHiPS? You know, that show with the two American police officers who hurtled around on motorbikes? Well, constantly repeat the phrase "I need the disko doktor" (remember, the spelling makes a huge difference) over the top of that in a severely vocoded stylee and Hoy Bungo! You've just created your very own Space Raiders single! If you think I'm in the process of trashing the hell out of this single, you're wrong. I actually like the end result, although I have to admit I'm not sure why.

SWEET CHILD O'MINE

Sheryl Crow

According to Yoda fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate and hate leads to suffering. What he neglected to mention was that this song is the suffering part. It's boring, pedestrian, bland and Guns 'n' Roses must be absolutely livid at seeing a rock classic toned down so much that it can now be played quite happily on Des O'Connor Tonight. Really, really dreadful.