I WANT IT

Chanelle Hayes

Wow. I heard she was supposed to be a half-decent singer, but this really is breathtakingly average. I think the problem may be that she wants to sound like Victoria Beckham, but the final result has ended up closer to Britney Spears... about six or seven years ago. If you can try and force yourself to recall La Spears's I'm A Slave 4 U, with its overbearing beat and lack of melody, well, you aren't a million miles away from this. The tune's better here, but the beat's the same and worse than that, if Chanelle's such a good singer, why does it sound like her voice has been filtered through some highly expensive computer software? Maybe that's the sound the produers were aiming for, but it really does sound very dated. However, out of all the singles released by former Big Brother contestants to date (and I'm sure that there will be more arriving later in the year, there's a tedious inevitability to the whole Big Brother experience nowadays), if you don't count the theme tune which is still a cracking little number in its own right, this is far and away the best. It's average, yes, but at least it isn't Barbie Girl.

EVEN IF

Andy Abraham

Oh no, no, no, this just won't do at all. I mean, this is a proper pop song - what chance have we got in the Eurovision Song Contest if this is what we're sending out to Belgrade? There's no turkeys, nobody singing in a foreign language, no bonkers heavy-metallers with a penchant for dressing up, it's just a bloke singing a song with no gimmicks whatsoever. We are going to get crucified once the voting viewers get their hands on it. Mind you, let's be honest, forget winning, the only way we're even going to trouble the top half of the scoreboard these days is if we somehow manage to move the United Kingdom (or Royaume-Uni if we're getting into the spirit of things) just next door to Croatia because let's face it, the Baltic states have got the contest wrapped up thanks to the wonders of the voting system. And whose bright idea was it to allow 43 countries to vote for the winner, one after the other? It's bad enough having to listen to the songs without having to sit through hours of judges either telling the hosts what an amazing show they've put on this year, or pointing to a few hundred excitable people behind them and saying "We're having a Eurovision PARTY!" Some people say I'm cynical, but I've no idea where they get that impression from, I really don't. So. Eurovision. If you're a Western European country you may as well give up these days, and that's what more and more of us are doing. France have plumped for a song with English lyrics, Ireland have rather brilliantly put their hopes in singing poultry, and we've gone right to the other end of the scale and tried something equally attention-grabbing. We've gone for something that doesn't actually sound like a competition entry. A grown-up pop song with a bit of soul and disco sprinkled on top, which in other words means that we're concentrating on the music rather than the performance that goes with it (yes Scooch, I am looking at you). It's a bit risky, but that's our strategy, and do you know what, the daft thing is we may stand a chance this time round. Yes, if we get really lucky and the voters like us enough, we could finish as high as twentieth on the big night. Behind the turkey, of course.

THE QUESTION IS WHAT IS THE QUESTION?

Scooter

It's nice to know there are some things you can rely on. Cliff Richard releasing a Christmas single, a new Westlife album around November, the Backstreet Boys making ill-fated comebacks every couple of years... and Scooter releasing songs that can best be described as Banging German Techno that always sound at least 10 years out of date. Perhaps if they released something that sounded remotely up to date it'd be the musical equivalent of the ravens leaving the Tower of London, so I suppose it's best if we leave them to it.