PIECE OF ME

Britney Spears

I've had a lovely break for Christmas, I've recharged my batteries and I'm looking forward to all the wonderful music that 2008 is going to bring me. But first, this. Do you know something, when they've finished making this song it might actually be good. Now, I appreciate that singers these days sometimes take advantage of modern technology to ensure that they sing the right notes, but her voice has been manipulated and processed so much it's like being serenaded by a Speak And Spell, and when that happens you know someone's got a little bit carried away. Trouble is, the tune's hardly any consolation. A couple of beats coupled with what sounds like someone walking along a gravel driveway is apparently more than enough as far as the percussion goes, and the tune, such as it is, could be played by a three year-old after one listen. And while I'm in a critical mood (which I admit, hardly ever happens), what the Hell is going on with the squawking parrot that crops up every so often? There's so much wrong with this song it almost comes all the way back round to becoming good… but not quite. If you thought I was having a moment of madness when I put Gimme More into the Things I Liked list for 2007, wait until you hear this. Piece Of Me makes Gimme More sound like a long-lost masterpiece.

RELAX, TAKE IT EASY

Mika

So… I couldn't stand Grace Kelly, I didn't like Love Today, Big Girl made me angry and I can take or leave Happy Ending. Previous form is not on Mika's side, I think it's safe to say. Oh, and I'm also not a fan of falsetto singing. Blimey, talk about having the odds stacked up against you. Oh yeah, one more thing, remember the band Cutting Crew from the mid-eighties? Their songs were rubbish and all. And so was Johnny Hates Jazz… er, hang on, I'm getting carried away now. To be fair to Cutting Crew, I mentioned them for a reason. The very start of this song sounds eerily similar to (I Just) Died In Your Arms, which can be found on any good driving rock album – hold on, did I just say "good driving rock album"? Best of luck finding one of those, you've probably got more chance of getting a unicorn for your birthday. Anyway, that's what it sounds like to me, only much, much poppier… and not rubbish. That's odd. Then Mika starts singing and I have to be honest here, but on this occasion the big-haired troubadour delivers the goods without showing off. He doesn't suddenly start screeching, he keeps his arms and legs within the carriage at all times and even when he does go for the high notes, I'm willing to accept that he's got good reason to do so, which I suppose means that Mika's finally released a single that I don't mind, which of course puts the pressure right back on Johnny Hates Jazz.

LIGHTS GO OUT

Client

It's hard not to feel sorry for Client. They're probably destined to be one of those bands that never quite made it, which is a shame really as there are far worse bands around that are doing much better than Client are. Mind you, this sounds… well, a bit Pet Shop Boys with the big lead-in at the start, but as soon as the beat kicks in it all goes glam rock, only with this lot doing it instead of Slade which is probably for the best when you think about it. However, this one sounds a bit lighter than previous Client singles, which normally may have helped them win valuable airtime on radio stations across the land, but I like this song, and as you know that is usually more than enough to scupper any band's chances of reaching the Top 40. Maybe that's the answer to all their problems, if this lot release a single that I hate, it'll be No.1 within a week of release…