Thanks to digital downloads taking over the Singles Chart, now that anything can get in whether it's in the shops or not, this means that every Christmas from now on the chart is going to be swamped with ancient Christmas singles. Here are three examples. God help us, everyone…

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU

Mariah Carey

So, first out of the blocks this year was the Mariah Carey standard from 1994, and it's already bounding up the Top 40 like an eager puppy, which is an interesting analogy to use considering Ms Carey could probably attract dogs from miles around with that high-pitched squeal of hers. Now, I quite like it for a Christmas song, which is odd because I've never been a fan of her vocal acrobatics, but to be fair she only really does that at the very start before the song bursts into life. It is a full routine though, with somersaults and cartwheels – however, it's not enough to put me off completely. Is it a proper Christmas song, though? Let's go through the checklist…

Sleighbells playing throughout - check.
Repeated mentions of Christmas – check.
Children singing – NO!
Snow featured in the video – check.
Presents being opened in the video – check, including a live rabbit – how the devil was that wrapped?
Singer encounters Father Christmas in the video – check.

Well, I'd say that's pretty conclusive, although your typical festive release really should have a choir of anklebiters warbling away out of tune in the background. Next!

LAST CHRISTMAS

Wham!

The sleighbells are on hand (as are some unfeasibly big hairdos), and so are the festive mentions, and seeing as there are some extensive amounts of skiing going on, the video's packed with snow, but that's it. No kids, no presents being opened (although marks awarded for decorating the tree), no Santa and not much joy either. Still, if you like your yuletide fare to include songs about blokes getting cheated on by their girlfriends during the holiday season, this'll be right up your street. Personally, I've never got on with this one. Ah well.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

Shakin' Stevens

Well, I think it's fairly safe to say that everyone knows this one. This song is pure Christmas melted down into 7" discs, put into paper sleeves and sent to Our Price and all good record shops across the country. It contains more cheese than a fondue party in Wensleydale, but somehow even I can listen to it without getting annoyed and that's saying something. You may not know this, but although it was the 1985 Christmas Number One, apparently it should actually have come out a year earlier, but Shaky held it back because of Band Aid. Little known fact, that. However… have you seen the video? Even Santa Claus – The Movie isn't as festive as the video to Merry Christmas Everyone. For one thing, Shaky's shacking up with Santa (try saying that after a few glasses of sherry), and he even gets to wander around the toy factory while the elves and children are busy making the toys. I know, children making toys – I'm sure there's some EU legislation prohibiting that nowadays. Then, he goes outside and gets his backside royally kicked in a snowball fight while a giant snowman comes to life and joins in – I'm sure we've all experienced that at one time or another. Finally, while he's singing the final bits everybody (kids, elves, Santa, snowman) is standing behind him with flaming torches. Usually I'd be concerned for the snowman's well-being in the presence of so many heat sources, but anyway… it looks a bit like they're going to lynch him the moment the music finishes, truth be told, but no, Mr Stevens is too fast for them and roars off in his sleigh at speeds approaching five miles an hour. Of course, once 1986 rolled round the single fell out of the chart faster than a McFly single, but by then Shaky's work was done.