CHRISTMAS NUMBER ONE

Black Arts

Do you remember when it was actually an achievement for somebody to have the Christmas Number One, instead of the tacky marketing ploy it's since become? These days, things have got so bad the bookies are now taking bets on the Christmas Number Two, which is a bit daft because a) there's no fun in guessing what the second best selling single at Christmas is and b) the single at Number One is more often than not a giant number two itself. Yeah, I know, bah humbug and all that. The thing is, when was the last time the Christmas Number One was a proper Christmas song? Band Aid 20 three years ago, that's when, and that version wasn't very festive at all. Or good, for that matter. No, I'll tell you what we need, and that's a proper Christmas song like what they used to do back in the so-called good old days, but updated so it knows how naff it is. Step forward Art Brut and Black Box Recorder, then. What do you mean, "Who?" Er… ah… yes, well, I see what you mean. Black Box Recorder have been in the charts before, but it was a good few years back, whereas Art Brut have never yet graced the Top 40, but because they'd done a song called Top Of The Pops there was a campaign to get them on the very last show, only the BBC bottled it by going down the "let's show loads of clips and remind the viewers not only how great the show used to be but also how awful we let it become before we killed it" route instead. Naughty BBC. Anyway, if you've got a song calling itself Christmas Number One you'd be perfectly entitled to expect something that doesn't take itself too seriously, and that's pretty much what you get. The tune's standard festive fare – sleighbells, singing children and the like – but here's the clever bit… the lyrics acknowledge it, in fact they're supposed to be there. The story's about a band that created the ultimate Christmas chart-topper, thereby creating a monster they couldn't control – literally. I mean literally too, the song becomes a monster and nobody can stop it. It's all over the radio and the telly (they even sing about how they'll have to bring back Top Of The Pops because no other show is big enough to handle it) and it gets so huge that eventually the army are called in stop it... and all this is sung completely straight. Now THAT is how you do a Christmas single. This is a work of total and utter genius, so hats off to the two bands involved. Of course, it hasn't got a cat in Hell's chance of actually living up to its name, but it's done so well it even feels like a classic Christmas single, only good for a change. Best festive release since Stop The Cavalry? It certainly gives Wonderful Christmastime a proper kicking, that's for sure.

GONNA MAKE YOU A STAR

Lee Mead

I suppose it must take a fair amount of effort making a cover version sound virtually identical to the original, it's probably a bit like art forgers making sure their Mona Lisa looks exactly like the real thing, right down to the brush-strokes. With that in mind, I'd like to extend my hearty congratulations to Lee Mead and his merry band of session musicians for not only covering a thirty-three year old single, but for making the new version sound thirty-three years old as well. That's dedication for you. To be fair to him, he (or somebody else) has chosen one of David Essex's better songs to kick off his career in earnest. It's just a shame that in all likelihood, very soon from now, the original will still be the go-to version for the radio stations to play while this version will be all but forgotten. That's what happens when you don't stamp your own personality on a song, I'm afraid.