BARBIE GIRL

Samanda

The twins from the worst Big Brother series in history singing a duet with Metal Mickey. Yep, that sounds like a winner, wouldn't you agree? It's come to something when this makes Aqua's original sound like high art, but that's what we've got here. Words alone can't express just how wretched this single is, but as that's all I've got to play with I'm going to have to at least attempt it. Maybe the twins really can sing, I don't know, but there's no way to tell on this evidence seeing as everything's been run through computers to filter out even the slightest imperfections – ironic really, given the end result. The tune, such as it is, sounds so cheap and outdated it could've been come from the 1990s – and I'm referring to this "performance" of the tune, not the one that came out ten years ago. It's that bad it sounds like the sort of thing a cheap Yamaha keyboard could play if you hit the Demonstration button. And as for the Metal Mickey tribute act who's doing the accompanying vocals, where do I start? To be perfectly honest, the only time I can see this song being played to its full potential would be during a game of Pass The Parcel with a load of under-fives, but even then the kids would be begging for the music to stop because that means another wrapper comes off the parcel, while the parents would just be begging for the music to stop. I do believe I may have just stumbled upon the worst single of the year, but there's still time for the twins to release a Christmas single, so let's not go presenting any awards just yet…

ABOUT YOU NOW

Sugababes

What the hell's going on with girl groups today? First we had Girls Aloud going down the road marked Completely Mental (how else can you explain Sexy! No No No…?), and now there's the Sugababes Version 3.0 going completely the other way and shoving out something as limp and tepid as this. For the first few seconds, I did wonder whether I'd put a Strokes song on by accident, but luckily Amelle has a somewhat different singing voice to Julian Casablancas and that's how I knew I hadn't made a mistake. Trouble is, if this was a Strokes song (and with the beat and the jangly guitars, it's not a million miles away) it'd have a lot more get up and go about it. There's hardly any energy being expended here, in fact the phrase "going through the motions" springs to mind, which is a shame considering this is the same group (if not the same personnel) that released Overload, Freak Like Me and Red Dress. As a trailer for the new album, this is not a good sign.

MOUTHWASH

Kate Nash

Well, this is annoying. The tune's actually OK – it's quite jaunty and upbeat, actually. A fair bit heavier than Foundations too, as it happens. The lyrics, though, the lyrics are… well… they're a bit on the naff side, if you ask me. The chorus contains the line "I've got a family and I drink cups of tea", and that line isn't the only offender. I think they're supposed to sound girl-next-door and down-to-earth, but it doesn't quite work out. Could I do better than that? Probably not, but I'm not in the songwriting business. Then there's her style of singing. I know for a fact I'm going against public opinion on this one seeing as Foundations spent around four years at Number Two, but… you know how much I hate it when British singers sing with American accents? Well, Kate Nash sings with a London accent, which normally would be good, but her warbling practically screams "I'm from London, me" (I still shudder at the way she sang the word "fitter" as "fittah" on her previous single). I don't doubt that that's her natural style of singing, but it just doesn't work for me at the moment. I'll have to chalk this week up as a loss, I'm afraid.