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Westlife

Oh look, it's your favourite band, auntie. No, not Boyzone. Yes, that Ronan Keating does have a lovely smile, but it's not him. Yes, I'm sure. It's Westlife. No, Westlife. WEST- oh, never mind. You remember them, don't you? We buy you their latest album every Christmas. No, they're not the band that sang The Real Slim Shady – no, they're not. I promise you they aren't. That album was down to a breakdown in communication. What do you mean, you never got round to exchanging it? That means your grandson still has your copy of The Love Album – yes, I know the cover looked nice – yes, I know it did, but just because he was wearing a suit and standing in front of a curtain that doesn't mean he's going to start singing songs from The Great American Songbook – no, don't start on Rod Stewart. I'm not going there – no, I'm not. What's that? Seasons In The Sun? Yes, that's right, that's it, that's Westlife. Ballads and cover versions, yes, that's them all over. Well done. Yes, that's why you like them, you already know half of the songs. Finally, we're getting somewhere. I know this one's nice and slow – I know it is, I'm listening to it with you. I said, I'm listen- what high-pitched singing? No, that's your kettle. Your kettle. It's boiled. Extra singers? That's the choir, auntie. They always get wheeled into Westlife singles, it's to let you know when the song's nearly done. No, I don't know that for certain. Well, I suppose you could call it a big finish, yes. I think I'd rather call it a change of key. Well, it is. Alright then, we'll agree to disagree. I just think Michael Buble's version is better, that's all. Well, I do. No, I didn't want a cup of tea, you did. I wouldn't say no to a mug of battery acid though, no, not to drink. I was just thinking that if you were going to be dunking Hob-Nobs in your tea, it'd make sense for me to have something to dunk this CD into. Yes, as a matter of fact I have been told I've got appalling taste in music. Many times. Now drink your tea, it's getting cold.

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Britney Spears

Yep, I saw her "performance" at the MTV Awards too. The main focus of attention seemed to be the state of La Spears, and although she's looked better (look kids, I can do understatement too), I was more surprised by the song. Yeah I know, I'm odd like that, but I'm a music reviewer, what can you do? The simple truth of the matter is that if you want my opinion, and seeing as this is my column I'm hardly going to tell you what my mates think, this isn't actually a bad tune. It's grown-up, it sounds like somebody's been raiding Erasure's Chorus album for the background noises, and she carries the tune nicely. There are, however, down sides. For one thing, it's at the very least a minute too long (which doesn't help the tune as it's pretty repetitive), the parts that Britney apparently phones in are a waste of time and what exactly is she singing about? It sounds an awful lot like she gets her kicks from what the lyrics politely describe as "public displays of affection". That's very polite indeed, as it's made clear that there's a crowd watching. Lovely. Let's just hope this crowd hadn't paid to watch a football match, else you can bet the Match Of The Day highlights would be on YouTube within seconds. Like I said before, the tune's alright, it's just the rest of it that needs a little work. However, it's nice to report that despite all that, this is one of the best singles she's released to date – mind you, when you put it up against songs like Lucky and Overprotected it's always going to be a winner, isn't it? It certainly makes I'm A Slave 4 U look rubbish, but then so does Shaddap You Face. In short then, this song's an encouraging sign, nothing more, nothing less.