SHE'S MADONNA

Robbie Williams with Pet Shop Boys

So it's come to this then, has it? This is as tired and uninvolving as anything Robbie Williams has done, and let's face it, Misunderstood was a pretty hard act to follow. In fact, it doesn't even sound like a Robbie single – it sounds like Behaviour-era Pet Shop Boys fare, and even then, it doesn't sound like a track that would've made the album, not even a B-side – if anything it sounds like a track that would've been hidden away on a limited edition format just to bring the running time up to 20 minutes. As it turns out, the duo were involved in this song, and blimey, does it show – it actually sounds like Robbie Williams singing over a Pet Shop Boys backing track. Not that great at all I'm afraid, and to think, I used to prefer his more electronic-sounding tunes and all…

I WANT CANDY

Melanie C

Well, this is "fun". And "happy". And "exuberant". And it's got a "party atmosphere". And it all sounds really, really forced and unreal. See, the song's been recorded for a film called I Want Candy (d'you see what they did there? D'you see?) and there's a character in it called… go on, have a guess. You're miles ahead of me here, I can tell. So how did Ms C get to sing it? I don't know, but if I was being cynical (which never happens, of course) I'd guess that somebody had a list of female singers and went for the one they felt deserved a hit UK single the most, because let's face it, this will be a hit. I said "UK single" because she's something of a big name in mainland Europe these days, and it looks like she's rewarding her overseas fans by releasing a different single over there and not this. Now, the song itself is as old as the hills, possibly even older, and depending on who's singing Candy's either male or female. Last time it was a hit, way back in September 2000, mop-topped muppet Aaron Carter held the reins… and somebody forgot to switch Candy's gender back, so now what we have is La Chisholm singing "Candy's just what the doctor ordered, she's so sweet she makes my mouth water". That's nice, I'm sure she speaks very highly of you too. The brass section sound out of place, the entire performance sounds a bit half-hearted, it's about a minute too long (so it can play over the movie's end credits, maybe?) and the nicest thing I can say about this single is that it sounds like a misjudgement. The last two albums have shown her music maturing (no honestly, although to be fair Reason is not the greatest album ever made), but this sounds like a few years hard work being potentially undone for the sake of a guaranteed hit single. Seriously, the first time I heard it, as soon as I found out who was singing my first thought was "You've got to be kidding". This is one of those singles that had me wondering "Why this song? And why this singer?".

ACCEPTABLE IN THE 80S

Calvin Harris

The tune certainly would be. It's an incredibly dated-sounding track, that sounds like it was produced on a cheap (for the time) Yamaha 'Sounds Groovy' keyboard using the pre-programmed settings. As far as the lyrics go, well, there's not much. The chorus says "It was acceptable in the '80s", but doesn't say exactly what, so I'm guessing it's either mercury mazes or Jive Bunny. The verses, such as they are, don't help much either. He's got love and hugs for you if you were born in the eighties, but doesn't elaborate what he thinks of you if you were born in the nineties or, like me, the seventies. As a song you'd listen to once or twice it's alright, but it doesn't stand up to repeated listening because there just isn't enough going on during the song. The daft thing is it's actually three and a half minutes long, but I've no idea how he makes it run that far.