21ST CENTURY CHRISTMAS

Cliff Richard

Right then, I said I'd review this last week, so here I am reviewing it. These days, the best way to be sure that Christmas is coming is to find a Cliff Richard single in the shops and this is his latest in a long line of festive achievements. Now, I'm all for Cliff having a tilt at the Christmas Number One when just about everyone else his age has retired and, well, let's face it, he's been going for so long he's about to outlive the copyright on his own back catalogue and you don't carry on as long as that by being rubbish. It's a bit of a shame then, that this single sounds like the great man is simply coasting along these days. The best Christmas singles have a timeless quality to them, and so does I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday for that matter – this, however, sounds like a Beach Boys knock-off with some modern-day gadgets named and shamed in an attempt to make Cliff sound relevant. Honest, he's warbling on about satellites, DVDs, mobile phones, microwaving popcorn and stuff in the verses and then in the chorus he goes for the traditional stuff like trees, stars, mistletoe and apparently even religion gets a look in too, but it's all so badly lumped together it doesn't work at all. Still, on the bright side, you know he'll have another go next year. Oh well, that's Cliff out of the running, who's next for the Christmas Number One?

CHACARRON

El Chombo

Here's the story, at least what I've heard. The people behind this had a tune they liked, but couldn't work out what sort of lyrics to give it. For a laugh, somebody spouted some unintelligible nonsense over the top as a placeholder until the real vocals were sorted out, only for the joke effort to gain mass acceptance and here it is, a single with a decent chance of reaching the top for the festive period. So Cliff's lyrics are a bit naff? At least he's singing actual words, half the time this sounds like somebody's trying to sing while simultaneously doing a Technicolor yawn, it's as bad as that. The daft thing is the tune's nearly as grim and that's the bit that's supposed to be finished, not that you'd know it as there's only fleeting glimpses of a tune hidden amongst the dross. In other words, this actually has a chance of doing the business, as bad as it is. Still better than Gwen Stefani's single, though. Work that one out because I can't.

A MOMENT LIKE THIS

Whoever wins X-Factor, it doesn't matter (turned out to be Leona Lewis)

This'll be the odds-on favourite for the title of Yuletide Chart-Topper, then. By now, you probably know who won X-Factor, like it even matters. We know what the first single's going to be, we know it'll be out just in time to ruin the fun of guessing what the Christmas Number One's going to be, all we need now is to know which of the two versions of the song that have already been recorded by the finalists is going to go to the factory to be pressed, and on the other side of the coin, which of the finalists will walk away with little more than their bus fare home. If I sound cynical, then good, because this single release is even more so than me. What annoys me is that people are going to rush out in their droves to buy this awful lump of syrupy mush just because it's got the winner's face staring out from the cover and ITV know it. I've heard the song, and it really is dire. Kelly Clarkson sang it on American Idol four years ago, and she was given the chance to go on to prove she was capable of more. Sadly, I fear that whoever releases this will not get the same opportunity. Anyway, let's finish this week on a happier note. In a fortnight, you'll get the review of the year (apologies in advance), but for now, have a Merry Christmas!