KILL 100

X-Press 2

“Here you go, Mr Record Label Boss, it’s X-Press 2’s latest single.”
“Oh yes, let’s have a listen then. It’s about time your boys gave us something worth shouting about. How long ago was Lazy?”
“Erm… well, yeah, good point, but this is worth the wait, really.”
“I’ll be the judge of that, sonny jim.”
“Of course.”
“I think you might have a point though, I like this. Very mellow, very soothing… are you sure this CD wasn’t pressed in Ovaltine instead of aluminium? Ha ha.”
“We tried that, but the discs were very brittle. Had a very malty aroma too, as I recall.”
“Tell me you’re joking.”
“…Alright then, I am.”
“What’s he singing in the chorus? It sounds like he’s singing ‘Kill 1-2-1-100.’ I don’t understand that, it sounds like he wants to murder a phone number.”
“That’s easily explained, sir. It’s a dance single, therefore the last thing anyone’s going to be listening out for is the lyrical content so we could have put anything in there. We could have had him singing one of Ronnie Corbett’s old monologues and nobody would be any the wiser.”
“Smart move, I like the cut of your jib.”
“Thanks. I think.”
“Is that a homage to I Feel Love in there as well?”
“Yes, without Donna Summer dance music as we know it wouldn’t exist…”
“I’m sure Kraftwerk and Chic amongst others would have something to say about that.”
“…which is why our next single will now be called Hooray For Kraftwerk.”
“Excellent. Well, I can see this flying out of the shops. I trust you’ve given it a nice summery title to give it that extra push.”
“Indeed we have, we’re calling it Kill 100.”
“Kill… 100?”
“Yes.”
“100 what, exactly?”
“No idea.”
“Not very cheerful or summery is it?”
“Some of the year’s most violent movies come out during the summer. If that’s not a good enough connection I don’t know what is.”
“Shut the door on your way out, there’s a good chap.”
“Righto.”
“Nutter.”

WE'RE FROM BARCELONA

I'm From Barcelona

It’s three minutes long. That means it qualifies as a Eurovision Song Contest entry and it sounds like one. It’s jolly, friendly, happy, sickeningly cute and doesn’t have a single unhappy thought in its head. I really should hate it – after all, think of all the other so-called happy pop stars. I couldn’t stand the Fast Food Rockers, Aaron Carter may as well have had horns and a tail considering some of the dreck he released and as for the Cheeky Girls… well, it’s difficult to know where to start really. The difference here is that the joyous atmosphere on this song is genuine – it’s not forced or contrived like it is with the aforementioned artists. The only concern I have is that this song could get played to death by the radio stations, thereby making everybody utterly sick of it a la You’re Beautiful (the world and his wife bought it last year, but now look how many people say how much they hate it). I’m not saying this is the best song you’ll hear all year, far from it, but you listen to this and Chico back to back – then tell me which song deserves to be in the chart more. If you say Chico, you’re wrong.

PROMISCUOUS

Nelly Furtado

This is everything Fergie’s London Bridge is not. To begin with, I can listen to it without having to fight the urge to fold the CD in half repeatedly until it breaks. It also helps that Nelly Furtado can rap and sing, two minor concepts that Fergie failed to make use of. There isn’t much of a tune, apart from the chorus at any rate, but the song trundles along so nicely it doesn’t really matter. It’s also a second decent single in a row from La Furtado, and as far as I’m concerned she’s never done that before.