The first few reviews are a bit old school.

NOTHING COMPARES 2 U

Sinead O'Connor

It’s one of those things that’s going to puzzle me until the day I die. Just how on Earth did this song not only become a hit, but roar to the top of the charts and then stay there for weeks on end? Alright, fair enough, it kept Technotronic off the top spot so things aren’t all bad, but even so… I like Joy Division, Depeche Mode, Radiohead – all those bands have done music that I’ve been reliably informed “sounds a bit depressing”. I can listen to that sort of thing all day, but this… dear God, this is just about the dreariest song I’ve ever heard in my life and I’ve listened to Boyzone so I know what I’m talking about.

RULES AND REGULATIONS

We've Got A Fuzzbox And We're Gonna Use It

Girl Power. It didn’t start with the Spice Girls, you know. I know they made it marketable, but really Girl Power actually began ten years earlier in Birmingham. You don’t believe me, do you? I can tell, you’re thinking that before Wannabe came out it was Bananarama, the Supremes and nothing else. I bet you’ve even discounted Transvision Vamp and that girl group what did that song about the Thunderbirds a few years back. See, that’s where it all falls down. This is that girl group what did the Thunderbirds song. “But,” I hear you say, “they were just some here today gone tomorrow glossy girl band neatly packaged to keep the viewers of Going Live and Motormouth happy!” Well, yeah, it did end up that way, I admit, but go back a few years. They were on a no budget indie label, couldn’t really play their instruments, were quite happy to tell the press about that fact, and the most important thing is they geniunely seemed to be having the time of their lives doing it. Now then, why’s that important? Because it comes through in the records they made. Take this one, it’s mental. Loud, quick and with a proper Do It Yourself sound. Not only that, it’s got a story too, namely what to expect from life ie. not much. Do you know what the really daft thing is? In today’s musical climate, what with Forward, Russia! and Arctic Monkeys and Milburn and all the rest, if this had been released now it’d probably be a hit.

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?

The Smiths

The Smiths were one of the best singles bands around, it’s that simple. Considering they were “just” an indie guitar band, it’s impressive when you think that most of their singles had their own distinctive sound – they didn’t all sound the same. I suppose we have to thank Morrissey and Johnny Marr for that, and let’s be honest here, Morrissey’s not done anything solo that even comes close to his Smiths days. This is the very pinnacle for me, it sounds happy and jolly but the lyrics are as morose as you’d expect. Marvellous.

SWAMP THING

The Grid

God knows how they came up with this idea. Let’s face it, you’ve got a perfectly serviceable dance track motoring away with its little legs going twenty to the dozen, and somebody says “I know what this track needs! Banjos! Lots of banjos!” How he left the recording studio alive is a miracle, never mind the fact that somebody listened to him. It shouldn’t work either. I mean, there’s no excuse. Not only is the banjo stamped all over the song, there’s also a lengthy (and I cannot believe I’m about to write this) banjo solo three minutes in and it keeps on trucking right to the very end. Unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable. That’s nothing, though. The silliest thing of all is this – it’s utterly brilliant. It’s one of those once-in-a-blue-moon things, it just works and if the Grid tried to recreate it a million times, they wouldn’t manage it. It’s like the Stranglers doing Golden Brown, they left it alone and didn’t try to do it again because there was absolutely no point and no need. It’s that rarest of beasts, a dance track that will never need remixing because it’s fine as it is.

And now, the week's proper reviews.

STAND BY ME

Shayne Ward

Have you seen the video for this? Have you? He’s singing this song on the roof of a dirty great big skyscraper. Not only that, there’s an orchestra with him and a grand piano and all. Good job I wasn’t there, as once the music started playing I’d have been very tempted to jump. Oh, did I forget to mention the gospel choir? I did? Well, that’s probably because gospel choirs are two a penny these days, they’re all over the charts. I shan’t moan about the choir, they’re just here to put a little meat on the skeletal frame of the song. And as for Shayne Ward himself, when he starts “oooh”ing at the end, bless his little cotton socks, he puts a bit too much into it and he ends up sounding like he’s going to break into The Lion Sleeps Tonight at any given moment. That aside, he’s just there… and that’s it. He sings and that’s all he does. I’ve heard it a few times now and I still haven’t come across any expression of passion or interest in what he’s singing. Still, doesn’t really matter, does it? At the end of the day, it’s all about bringing in the cash for the record company and by jingo it’ll do that. Oh yeah, nearly forgot, there’s a key-change towards the end, just to emphasise the big finish. Do they sell these songs in boxes complete with Easy To Assemble instructions or something?

THAT OLD PAIR OF JEANS

Fatboy Slim

Do you know something, I’m going to gloss over this track. It’s not his best by a long way, it’s soulful and happy, but compared to his older stuff… basically it’s found wanting. No, what you should buy this single for is the B-sides. And let’s give them their own heading too, it’s fairer.

RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW / PRAISE YOU (REMIXES)

Fatboy Slim

That’s more like it. See, that’s the problem with greatest hits compilations, they always have to be preceded by a brand new single, it’s as though the artist involved has to bring out something new to prove that they’re still alive. Sometimes it’s good (New Order’s True Faith), but other times it goes a little bit awry (Robbie Williams’s Radio). And then what happens? The record company shoves a load of remixes of older tracks on the single anyway! Sheesh, makes you wonder why you bother making new tunes if they’re going to do that. However… what a set of remixes. Skint Records have brought in people who actually have some respect for the original song by the sound of things and it shows. The Freemasons have been allowed to turn Right Here, Right Now into a fairly straightforward house track, but that description’s a bit harsh on them as they’ve left enough of the original intact to ensure that this’ll still stand out among the crowd. As for Redanka, well, they’ve taken the same track and turned it into a remorseless, relentless juggernaut, the likes of which hasn’t been seen since Dennis Weaver was being chased down some American highway while whimpering something about a radiator hose. You can dance to it, but you won’t be sure if you’re meant to. Do you remember me raving on about that John The Revelator remix that UNKLE did a couple of weeks ago? This is up there with that. However, that brings us to Praise You, as remixed by Mike D and Adrock and although, it’s different, it’s been taken in a direction I’m not too keen on myself. Drum loops, vocoded samples, small amounts of bass and not a great deal else. However, it is still recognisable and anyway, how many people get remixed by the Beastie Boys? OK, so it’s not to my taste, but blimey, a Beastie Boys remix? That practically makes this a collector’s item, that does. I suppose I’d better sum this one up then – buy it for the remixes and the video for the new song and you won’t go far wrong. That should do it.