WORLD AT YOUR FEET

Embrace

You may notice a pattern developing this week. I’ve tried to make it subtle, but the more astute of my huge and loyal army of readers (hello, both of you) might just be able to spot it. When the FA said “You’ll never believe who we’ve got to do the official England song, folks” I must admit, I was expecting a huge anthem with three orchestras and Danny McNamara singing something like “You’ve got to be the best that you can be” or something equally Technicolor-yawn inducing. Well, it’s done now so let’s see what they’ve actually come up with. A spooky start, very nice. Here’s Danny – “You’re the first in my life to make me think that we might just go all the way”, Bobby Robson may want a word with you sir. Now for the rest of the band, and wait a minute – this is moving along pretty quickly! Hold up, here’s the chorus – “With the world at your feet there’s no-one you can’t beat”, impressive, most people would just settle for a football, but Embrace are being a bit more ambitious. Another verse, about being watched by a billion eyes (no pressure there then, Mr Walcott) and then another chorus and then it all goes quiet - well, it’s hard work doing an official World Cup song you know, you’ve to take a breather before the big finish and boy is there a big finish. Yes. Back to my prediction, then. There is an orchestra and the lyrics are a bit on the “You can do it because we believe in you” side, but that’s the point with songs like this, isn’t it? The only minor criticism I have is that this doesn’t actually sound like a football single, but rather a track that Embrace could snuggle away neatly inside a future greatest hits without it sticking out. I’ll be amazed if the fans start singing it in the stands, but they managed to do something with the Pet Shop Boys’ Go West so anything’s possible.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE KIDDING JURGEN KLINSMANN

Tonedef Allstars

This is really, Really, REALLY dreadful, there’s no two ways about it and it’s destined for the bargain bin almost as soon as it hits the shops. It sounds like someone had an idea in the pub, somehow got Martin Peters, Geoff Hurst, Bill Pertwee and Frank Bruno roped in to help record it and got it mixed, pressed and out to the shops before night fell that very same day. At least they’re there on the cover and are proud enough to admit their responsibility, in fact that’s what raises this above the Crazy Frog horror, I mean, for goodness sake, he’s not even real!

STAN'S WORLD CUP SONG

Stan Boardman

Anyone who knows anything about Stan Boardman will probably be totally unsurprised that he’s released a single for Germany 2006. I first heard this about half an hour ago and my ears are still asking the rest of me just what the hell they did wrong to deserve that sort of punishment. I’ll recount what I can, but I may have to listen to it again to clarify things in my head, so bear with me. It’s a country-and-western-ish song done to the tune of She’ll Be Coming Round The Mountain and that’s the good news. The bad news is everything else. I’ll have to elaborate on that, but in order to do that I’ll actually have to listen to this again. Pray for me, I’m going in.



My ears, oh God my poor ears. Here, have this from the chorus - “Aye-aye-yippie, the Germans bombed our chippie, aye-aye-yippie-yippie-aye”. I actually cringed at that. Not because it’s offensive, but because a) it’s a rubbish line and b) the incident in question must’ve happened about 65-odd years ago, so not really relevant to the World Cup is it? It does actually get worse, believe it or not. The jokes are pretty naff and he breaks the golden rule of comedy – thou shalt not laugh at your own jokes. It’s so bad I have no choice but to rank it below the Frog’s World Cup offering and I thought that was as low as it was going to get.