IS THIS THE WAY TO AMARILLO (SANTA’S GROTTO)

Santa Claus (apparently)

This puts me in a slightly tricky situation here. After all, I can’t exactly slag off a single done by Father Christmas, now can I? It’d destroy the belief system of most youngsters in this town at a stroke and I’d end up being accused of ruining the Christmas of hundreds of families. However, I have to be fair to everyone I review. I can’t be nice about Santa just because he gave me a Millennium Falcon one Christmas, besides it was only a toy and not the real thing. Apparently, according to the blurb, he took a couple of weeks off work to record an album (it’s in the shops now kids, go out and buy it and with all the royalties he might be able to sort you out a PlayStation 3 next year (your parents will hate me for that advice)). Listening to this song and snippets of the others on the album, I can see why his chosen career involves worldwide parcel delivery. He’s jolly alright, but he can’t sing to save his life. Not only that, why’s he singing “Is this the way to Santa’s Grotto?” Surely, he of all people must have the knowledge of Earth, like London cabbies know all about getting from Monument to Covent Garden. This may be naff, but at least it accepts how naff it is and it’s played in the right spirit. Not only that, but it’s not going to bore everyone silly by lingering about for ages - once Christmas ends, you watch how fast this disappears from the charts.

SEE THE DAY

Girls Aloud

Dee C. Lee did the original, it got to No.3 twenty years ago this very week and her version was far better than this depressing dollop of gloom. Therein lies the problem, there will always be somebody around who remembers the original, and while others will think Girls Aloud have done a good job, I think they could and should’ve done an awful lot better. There’s no passion here, no conviction, nothing to suggest that any of them particularly wanted to do this song, in fact it almost sounds like they were ordered to do it. Rubbish.

A PAIN THAT I'M USED TO

Depeche Mode

The best album Depeche Mode have done since my college days back in the early nineties and what happens? Nearly everyone ignores it. This really is a cruel world we live in and no mistake. Well, here’s a chance for you to hear what you’re missing. Precious may have been poppy and (I shudder to say it) commercial, but this is more like it. It’s dark and sinister, with an undercurrent of menace and the occasional electronic roar thrown in and it’s wonderful. Ignore the video (banger racing with female drivers, what’s that got to do with this?), but you really shouldn’t ignore the song. There, I’ve done my bit, it’s up to you now.

THE BALLAD OF PAUL K

McFly

I really don’t know what’s happened to McFly. They’re not playing the popstar game at all. They should be singing happy, vacuous, commercialised, sanitised screaming guitar pop and raking in the money until the bubble bursts, not this. This is just weird. Here we have a pop band prepared to not only play the long game, but that’s also prepared to take risks by doing serious, proper music. I’m in shock. Westlife have done the same thing for the past six years, Busted would’ve done likewise, but McFly have already ditched the fake-sounding Beach Boys Retread sound they started with and are maturing rapidly. If you don’t believe me, listen to the lyrics. This isn’t “let’s all hold hands” or “there’s a girl at school I fancy”, this is about a bloke facing a mid-life crisis and generally not enjoying his lot. Lyrically, this is great. The tune’s a bit SingalongaMcFly, but they’re only on their second album, what do you expect? Nine-minute guitar solos? This is a band that sounds as though they have a lot more to offer, if only their record company gives them the opportunity now the Number Ones are drying up. Sadly, with pop bands, time’s always against you when that starts happening.