III WISHES

Terrorvision

"If I had 3 wishes, I'd wish for 5" goes the opening line. Then he wishes for 7, then more after that and more after that until finally, at the end of the first verse, you realise that yes, Tequila really was a fluke and Terrorvision aren't actually that much cop. Still better than the Offspring's single though.

MA BAKER / EVERYBODY SCREAM

Horny United vs Boney M

It's songs like this that make you wonder why we want anything to do with the rest of Europe. The reasoning here is simple - us Brits tend to have a pretty good idea of what makes a good tune and our friends over the sea tend to have a pretty good idea of what makes a musical atrocity. It may be a biased view, I admit, but I think this "song" bears that out. Think typical Eurodance and then attach to it a Eurohorror from about 20 years ago and then think to yourself "Why?". I know I did.

SWEET LIKE CHOCOLATE

Shanks & Bigfoot

Does anybody really know why this standard run-of-the-mill dance anthem is so popular? Surely somebody must know...

COFFEE & T.V.

BUGMAN

TRIMM TRABB

Blur

Third time lucky, perhaps? Knowing my luck they'll change their minds again, but I hope not because this is a stormer. It starts off nice and sedate with Damon sounding pretty chilled out and slowly builds up until it goes out of its box with big guitars and everything. Oh yes and it's better than Tender.

WHY DON'T YOU GET A JOB?

Offspring

They're not funny anymore and neither is this oh-so-wacky number that sounds very much like the Beatles' (obscure '60s band) Ob-la-di Ob-la-da big time without even a shred of an apology. Why anybody bothered with this sad rump is beyond me. Next!