#1S

Various Artists (album)

You know what, I really should review albums more often. Especially if they don’t do exactly what they say on the tin, like this one. Have a look at the cover. #1s it calls itself – in English I think it means Number Ones (Mariah Carey did that with her Best Of a few years back and, if memory serves, it was just one number out). That’s fair enough, with a title like that you’re fully entitled to expect yet another compilation overflowing with the greatest chart-toppers money can buy and Show Me Heaven. The tag-line underneath says “38 Of The Greatest #1 Singles Of All Time”, wow, that’s a proud boast that is. I’m going to be in for a treat here, I think. Unfortunately, the entire sales pitch unravels with the very first track. It’s We Will Rock You by Queen, a classic, I’ll grant you that, without it American sporting events would be much quieter, but there’s only one tiny problem with it being on this album. It didn’t reach Number One. Not only that, it was only a B-side (to We Are The Champions, fact fans), so it never even reached the chart. I did wonder whether it counted as a U.S. Number One, but a quick check on the Internet has informed me that that’s not right either. Well, maybe the other 37 songs hit the top then. Well, 28 of them did, so it’s not all bad news. There are some blindingly obvious choices (Do You Really Want To Hurt Me, Killer, Let’s Dance and Love Is All Around always seem to find their way onto these albums), but it makes a nice change to see John Lennon represented by a song other than Imagine (mind you, to be fair, (Just Like) Starting Over only made it to Number One because he’d just been shot, it had already started dropping down the chart at the time), it’s nice to hear the Police singing Message In A Bottle instead of Every Breath You Take and, although Tears For Fears didn’t reach the top of the pile, their version of Mad World is so much better than Gary Jules’s version that did it’s practically a different song (and going on this album’s form, guess which version is included). As for Bon Jovi, check British Hit Singles – they have absolutely no right to be here, not that their fans will care. As a compilation of classic songs goes, it’s not bad – the upbeat stuff is generally on CD1 and the slower numbers are on CD2, but they could’ve chosen a more appropriate title for it because the track listing looks more like somebody’s favourite songs they’ve burned onto a CD-R than a list of classic chart toppers.

CLUBMIX 2005

Various Artists (album)

Well, would you look at that. I review albums once in a blue moon and then two come along at once. Sadly, whereas #1s contains a few songs that are actually pretty good, this double album is only useful as two miniature dartboards. Each song merges into the other and, at times, unless you’re really paying attention you will not be able to spot where one song ends and the next starts. Actually, when I say you have to pay attention, it’s almost impossible because the general quality of the tracks is so poor that your brain may very well shut down after the first five songs. The beat goes thump, thump, thump, the same instruments (alright then, the instrument sounds used by the computers that make these songs) are used on most songs, the vocalists generally couldn’t show any less enjoyment in their job if they were dead and the cover versions… oh dear God, the cover versions. Hungry Eyes, Alice Cooper’s Poison, Everybody Wants To Rule The World, Gabrielle’s Dreams – what’s been done to these songs is rather similar to what a lion does to a wildebeest, just not as pretty to watch. Flip and Fill’s names are listed too and more than once – I am not surprised. Dance music can be really good if you only bother to put some effort in. This is what happens when you don’t.