PENNY AND ME

Hanson

Surely it should be Penny And I, but anyway… hang out the bunting and organise the street parties, they’re back. I knew the world of music was missing something. Of course, they’re not the pop kids with an irrational fear of hairdressers that you or I remember, oh no, that was nearly eight long years ago now and a lot of water has passed under the bridge since then. Unfortunately, their songs still make for perfect driving music, that is to say it would be lovely if this single was drowned out by a car engine. If you remember what Hootie and the Blowfish sounded like then you know what this is going to sound like. Horrible. It’s so bland this song could give its name to a shade of beige. As guitar pop goes, it’s very good – if you like undemanding tunes that you’ll forget within half an hour. The problem is, it’s probably just a bit too American sounding for me. If I was driving down a highway in the middle of nowhere with deserts and road as far as the eye could see with the sun shining and the roof down, this song might just work (no guarantees). However, if you’re trundling down the M1 at about five miles an hour in the rush hour with the rain pelting down, things are a little different. My advice is to stay well away from this, it really is as bad as that.

ALMOST HERE

Brian McFadden and Delta Goodrem

Are they an item? Aren’t they? Who actually gives a stuff aside from Heat magazine? I couldn’t care less myself, although the timing of this single seems a little bizarre. It’s a rather downcast little ballad is this, describing the breakdown of a relationship (hence why I think the timing’s bizarre). The fault seems to lie with the man of the house as well – God I hope this isn’t one of those confessional “I’m baring my soul here folks” type songs, but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt here. The fact is, this is only just more interesting than the Hanson single – on my personal list of favourite songs that puts this just above The Lady In Red, but below Mambo No.5 – that’s the Bob the Builder version, you understand. The problem is, it’s just so lifeless. There’s absolutely nothing of any interest happening here at all. The song starts, he sings a bit, she sings a bit, they sing a bit together, the song ends, they start the car and everybody goes home to count the royalties. Simple as that. Brian McFadden may dream of cleaning up at the Brit Awards, but with songs like this he’ll only do that if someone hands him a mop after the show’s finished.

PROUD

Heather Small

This must be payback for last week. I heard some good stuff last week. No, I really did, check out last week’s ’paper for the proof. This week it’s all a load of cobblers, though. Sorry about that, but I don’t set the release dates. This is one of those songs that’s been threatening to get re-released for years now, what with its appearance on car adverts and as incidental music for TV shows, usually playing over footage of some plucky bloke / lady who’s overcome utterly insurmountable odds, usually at great cost to themselves (financial / health / social life) but, dammit, they’ve succeeded and their reward is to have their face on the telly while Heather Small’s warbling away the only song she’s known for as a soloist – oh and there’s almost always either the show’s end credits or a telephone number that you can ring to donate cash to at the bottom of the screen as well. (your reviewer pauses for a moment to catch his breath) Blimey, I didn’t know the song irritated me quite as much as that. I was about to say how I couldn’t understand how something so boring could capture the public’s imagination and then I remembered – if Bryan Adams can spend 16 weeks at Number One with the worst song he’s ever done anything’s possible.