HALF MAN HALF MACHINE

Goldie Lookin' Chain

This is what happens when you throw caution (not to mention taste) to the wind and say "Stuff the radio and stuff the invites to Today With Des and Mel, we're going to do music that makes us laugh and if you don't like it we're going to care precisely this much" and then indicate a very small space between your thumb and forefinger to remove any doubt as to how much you care. I'm not exaggerating when I say this is the funniest single I've heard since Sam and Mark's With A Little Help From My Friends, but I don't really think many other people will appreciate it. To be fair, the song sounds like it was played on equipment that was plucked from a battered cardboard box with the phrase "All Items £1" scrawled on it and the lyrics are not only totally stupid but they're also littered with just the sort of words that scream Not For Children Or Public Performance - believe me, if you were wandering round Carpet City and this came on, you'd spot it straight away. However, if you can get past all that this is a song with a story. No, really, some work's gone into this one. We have a bloke who's smoked so much in the way of recreational substances that he's decided he wants to be a robot. (Moral - the drugs don't work.) To this end, he wraps himself in tinfoil, glues a Speak and Spell to his chest and nips off down the shops for some cigarettes - and if you think the Speak and Spell's suffered that's nothing compared to what the BBC Micro goes through. If you didn't believe me when I told you this was stupid, I'll bet you believe me now. I can't see this being a huge hit, but that's really not the point here. This single's main motive is not to be the next McFly (thank the Lord) and go straight to Number One, it's simply to be damned good fun and it succeeds completely.

IF I THOUGHT YOU'D EVER CHANGE YOUR MIND

Agnetha Faltskog

The spirit of the Carpenters lives on, then. She's still got the voice (Ms Faltskog, obviously, Karen Carpenter's best singing days are far behind her), but this is really quite uninteresting, uninspiring and well, forgettable. It is still possible to do easy listening songs that can grab your attention, Katie Melua's three year stay in the Top 40 proved that (let's face it, if even I can listen to Closest Thing To Crazy without wanting to smash my radio that has to be a good sign), but much as I hate to say it, I have a horrible feeling that part of the reason this is going to be a hit is the "It's by one quarter of Abba" factor rather than on the strength of the song - if anyone else had done this song it would probably crash and burn. I hope that's not the case, but I can't help thinking it may well be.

FIT BUT YOU KNOW IT

The Streets

A good idea that's flawed on execution. That sums this one up. I'm not a big fan of the Streets, but I won't deny that lyricially there's nobody else around like them. When Mike Skinner and friends are on form they're capable of really clever stuff (Exhibit A - The Irony Of It All on the first album, which is a conversation - at least to begin with - between a gentleman smoking weed and a gentleman who's quaffed too many alcoholic beverages), but if there's a misfire it can go very wrong. This one's a slight misfire. The lyrics are fine (boy fancies girl but nothing ends up happening) and the tune's the usual repetitive stuff - anything else wouldn't really work here though, so fair enough. No, the problem is that the lyrics sound as though they're being read out off a page for the very first time by someone who's never seen them before. It's been a while since I last heard Original Pirate Material, but I'm sure Mike Skinner's delivery used to flow a lot more naturally before. Shame really, it almost worked out OK.