BORN SLIPPY

Underworld

I’m always a bit concerned when a song that I like is updated. It’s always risky, updating a classic song, especially when the original’s perfectly fine as it is. Of course, they’ve only done this to help plug the Best Of, you know. Now, this sounds as though somebody’s heard the original, loved the singing and the beats and then decided it would sound much better if there was a tune of some sort to go with it. Unfortunately (not to mention unusually for a song), the fact that there was no tune was what set this apart in the first place – the lack of a melody gave it an edge and an attitude all its own, but now it’s like a cat that’s had its claws removed. Of course, whenever they insert the year into the name of the remix, you know it’s a good idea to lower your expectations but still, they should’ve stuck with the original, not this sad rump.

MANDY

Westlife

Shall we start proceedings with a piano? Why not. That’s the start sorted, so who’s going to sing it? Well, it looks like the record company have assumed Barry Manilow retired along with the rest of the Concorde fleet, so… well, how about those five lads sitting on the stools over there? Yeah, looks like they need a big hit, last single didn’t hang around. Mind you, I can imagine why – small child walks into record emporium and asks for new Westlife single, assistant says “’Hey Whatever’?”, child says “Well, if that’s your attitude, stuff it” and storms out without buying it – well, that could explain it. So, we have a piano, we have the barbershop quintet, I know what we need now! A drum machine that’s capable of playing along to songs this slow but also has the ability to make any song it touches sound like a bad karaoke cover version! Brilliant! Much as I’d like to say how surprised I am that Westlife have foisted another cover version on us, I can’t. By the way, did I say this wasn’t very good? No? It’s not.

LEAVE RIGHT NOW

Will Young

No arguments here.

MAYBE THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES

Alex Parks

Why do all the Pop Idol / Fame Academy winners put out bland, nondescript slowies as their first singles (and guess what speed Will Young’s new one is? Afraid so...)? God knows, but then he would, that’s his job. Well, she can sing alright (seeing as she won, or does that just mean she was the least worst?), but the song’s just finished and… nope, it’s gone. Can’t remember the tune at all. I do remember it was very slow and struggled along for three or four minutes, but that aside it’s a blank. Oh well, never mind.

SLOW

Kylie Minogue

If nothing else, you have to admire her staying power. Is Alex Parks still going to be around in 15 years? Who knows? (actually, there is one who’d know – see above.) However, look at how Kylie started off. I Should Be So Lucky, Got To Be Certain, makes you shudder just thinking about those horrors and how she avoided being placed in front of a firing squad for Especially For You I’ll never know. Thankfully, this is far better than that rubbish. This sounds a lot like somebody found an ancient Yamaha keyboard, tried making a tune with it, had a surprising amount of success and then thought “Hold on a second, this tune reminds me of the Tomorrow’s World theme tune from the early eighties, I’m onto a winner here, all I need is for someone to sing over the top and I’m laughing”. There really isn’t much more to this song than that, it’s effectively a three-minute chat up line, albeit with Kylie doing the chatting up, which in itself will appeal to a large number of people. It’s not bad and the short running time means it doesn’t get too repetitive, but it’s obviously going to be huge whatever I say so it doesn’t really matter anyway.