FOOL’S GOLD

Stone Roses

Ex-Indie Band Members! Out of the limelight? Struggling financially? Then send off now for our Acme TM Song Resurrector! Just play it your most famous song and Hey Presto! It’s automatically remixed to sound as fresh as the day it was released! Warning – Song Resurrector is incompatible with Rick Astley.

WE LIKE TO PARTY

Vengaboys

Dance Bands! Just had a Top 10 single? Want another? Then send off now for our Acme TM Hit Single Maker! Just pop your previous single in one end, press Start and Hoy Bungo! Out the other end comes a completely new song that sounds uncannily similar to your last outing, thereby guaranteeing another big hit! Send no money now! Reply within fourteen days and we’ll send you – absolutely Free! – the Acme TM Album Maker upgrade! Featuring two (two!) different drum patterns, variable speed (school disco speed and I Wanna Be A Hippy speed) and a Lyrics Writer TM (usually not needed)! Warning – Repeated use will result in a rapid loss of popularity.

EXTENDED PLAY E.P.

Propellerheads

Big Beat Merchants! Want to strike a blow against commerciality? Then send off now for our Acme TM Instant Chart Ineligibility Kit! Just feed your latest songs in one end, the computer chooses the best four (remember, more than three and it’s no Top Of The Pops for you matey jim), adds two versions of the Alan ‘Fluff’ Freeman Pick Of The Pops standard for good measure and pops them on a CD single! Rebellion against convention guaranteed! Warning – Do not exceed the stated dose or people will forget you exist.

STRONG ENOUGH

Cher

Dance Bands! Want proof that the Acme TM Hit Single Maker really works? Look no further! Ring now! Our numbers may be engaged, but please, do keep trying! Children – please check with your parents before calling.