QUANDO QUANDO QUANDO

Engelbert Humperdinck

What the hell is this? Another sixties ballad-belter with a picture in the attic making a return from the Brother Beyond Home For Stars Gone Down The Dumper? That’s what you’ll think when you first hear this attempt at updating a sixties standard into a thumping club anthem (mate), I know I did. Credit where it’s due, though, this is easily the funniest release of the year so far. A must buy.

WHEN I GROW UP

Garbage

So it’s due out on the 25^th, jolly good. However, if you want to say a big "Get Stuffed" to the chart compilers, wait until the following week when the extremely limited 3" CD comes out and buy that either instead or as well. It’s got all the tracks from CDs 1 and 2 and because it’s got more than three tracks it’s a) extraordinarily good value and b) got no chance of counting towards the chart because hey, that’s what rules are for. I would tell you what the song’s about but there’s no point because you’ve probably already got Version 2.0 (the album, fact fans) and besides, everybody likes Garbage.

YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Armand Van Helden

Ah yes, Hertz Van Rental, how could we forget him? Easily as it turned out. Once upon a time he was loved by all for his masterful reworkings of Tori Amos’ Professional Widow and Sneaker Pimps’ Spin Spin Sugar. It was all so glorious, but life can be very cruel and so the adulation evaporated faster than a West Ham cup run and he found himself all alone, friendless and hit-less. What he needed was a bangin’ tune that went off on one. As it happens, he’s duly obliged. Not only has this gone off on one, it’s still going and by the time you read this it may have made even that damned Energizer Bunny eat its dust.