The bits between the programmes.

Television commercials. Love them or hate them, you can't get away from them. Unless you're watching a BBC channel, but that's not the point. Thanks to the wonders of YouTube, adverts I previously thought long-since dead have been resurrected - just like when they brought back Crossroads, only the adverts are more believable. Anyway, I've discovered that when you look back on ancient adverts with a) the benefit of hindsight and b) an incredible amount of cynicism, you notice things that only now seem apparent.

For instance, let's have a look at Exhibit A.



Before you watch it, here's what I spotted.

It's an entire commercial break from 1986. That, in itself, merits a "Bloody hell".

Wisk Automatic - see if you can spot the completely gratuitous Eighties Man shot.

Dixons - I bet you can't go through the entire advert without screaming "HOW MUCH?" at least three times. If you scream it at every single item, well done, you win the star prize.

British Airways - you can tell it's from the Thatcher era, the advert says "We make loads and loads of lovely money, oh and apparently we also fly planes".

Coca-Cola - do you reckon the woman at the end looked so chuffed because she'd managed to down it in one?

The perfume advert - it's sad to note that within a few years, Alan Titchmarsh would be reduced to presenting gardening shows from back gardens in Whitley Bay. For now though, let's remember him this way.

Skol - now this really dates it! Hagar the Horrible hasn't been funny in donkey's years, so this advert must be old.

And now, let's move on to Exhibit B, and the single most punchable character ever to appear in a British TV commercial.



And why in the wide, wide world of sports does he pull a Joey Deacon face at the cash machine? And did he see Gonch from Grange Hill trying to chat up his girlfriend? I just don't understand it.

All of which brings me to Exhibit C. THIS is how you advertise something!



If you don't want a tin of Blackcurrant Tango right this minute, then I feel sorry for you.

Moving onto Exhibits D and E then, and welcome to the world before global branding.





Yeah, I know the sound's buggered on the second video, but to be honest, do you really want to hear what Keith Chegwin has to say? Exactly.

And finally for now, Arthur Fowler goes absolutely mental. Again. This time with the finest car British engineering can buy, and the most joyless voiceover money can buy.

©2007 Simon Darnell.