GOODBYE

Spice Girls

Brace yourselves everyone, that "difficult third album" is coming, the one where what’s left of the Spice Girls finally grow up and show us all which direction their music’s going to go in. Or not. I haven’t heard it yet, so I can’t rightly say. Mind you, as precursors go this is a good way to ensure that any fans who may have been heading for Never Ever Land to pitch up with All Saints think better of it. This is first gear Spice, gently trundling down the road, announcing its message to the masses via the tannoy on the roof-rack before heading back to the vicarage for tea and buns and it’s actually not bad. Bonus points for credibility and many thanks indeed are due that they didn’t release The Lady Is A Vamp off Spiceworld as a single. That "song" is a guaranteed career-ender.

CHOCOLATE SALTY BALLS

Chef

Sick, twisted, perverse, uncalled for, morally bankrupt, pointless, stupid, juvenile, needless, pathetic, abhorrent, disgraceful and very, very funny. Believe it or not, there is actually a chance that this could beat a certain foursome to the title of Christmas Number One and not without reason. The fact is, this is far more fun. The episode of South Park from whence this song came is called Chef’s Salty Chocolate Balls and the song refers to the tasty snackfoods he creates. Honest. Of course, my massed ranks of readers (Mr and Mrs Phillimore) will know all about South Park and how Chef is really Isaac Hayes in disguise and how the radio stations are far more likely to play this than Cartman’s song about how unreasonable Kyle’s mother is. You may not like this sort of thing, but look at it this way – it’s a damn sight better than Teletubbies Say Eh-Oh.