NOT SUCH AN INNOCENT GIRL

Victoria Beckham

Now, I could've just said "This song is pants" and left it at that, but that wouldn't have been particularly original. Unfortunately, that's precisely what it is. It's safe as houses R&B, which means the kids (bless 'em) will love it, but it leaves me wondering what all the fuss is about. There should be something interesting going on here, you know, something to hold my attention for the three minutes and twenty seconds of its duration (thankfully it really is that short), but no. To be fair, she didn't write it but the song is so by the numbers it's unbelievable. Just say no.

COMBINE HARVESTER 2001

Wurzels

Oh dear. Think of this as the unwanted offspring between the original Combine Harvester (from as long ago as 1976) and Cotton Eye Joe - if that doesn't put you off then you're a damn sight braver than me. How could the same year that gave us punk rock also turf out songs like this?

I FEEL LOVED

Depeche Mode

A tad biased I may be, but there's no denying this song is class. It's certainly the most cheerful thing I've heard this week.

NOT SUCH AN INNOCENT GIRL

Victoria Beckham - The Alternative Review

I know it's a tad unfair to compare Victoria Beckham's solo career with her former (?) colleagues, but let's put this single into perspective. Imagine, if you will, the Spice Girls attack the Death Star instead of the Rebel Alliance (it could happen). Mel C, being the most successful, would be the one to use The Force, fire the torpedo and get back to base in time for the fireworks and R2-D2's comic turn during the awards ceremony. Emma Bunton would probably nip back to base with heavy damage but would definitely be back for the sequels, Wedge-style. Mel B, because her solo career and Virgin Records have parted company, would get roasted by Darth Vader about half-way through. Now we come to Victoria Beckham. For this song alone, her Star Wars equivalent would be the poor bloke who warned the others of an imminent attack, saying “It came from… behind!” just before having his X-Wing extensively redeveloped by an attack – would you believe it, from behind. So where's all this leading? Well, I could've just said “This song is pants” and left it at that, but that wouldn't have been particularly original. Unfortunately, that's precisely what it is. It's safe as houses R&B, which means the kids (bless 'em) will love it, but it leaves me wondering what all the fuss is about. There should be something interesting going on here, you know, something to hold my attention for the three minutes and twenty seconds of its duration (thankfully it really is that short), but no. To be fair, she didn't write it but the song is so by the numbers it's unbelievable. Just say no.

NB. Unlike the other Extended Reviews that appear elsewhere on the site, I don't prefer this to the version that appeared in the 'paper, I just think of it as an alternative to the pretty straight-laced review that was printed. The main reason it didn't get printed was because of the Star Wars sequence. When you only have a certain amount of space to play with each week, it seems a bit daft to spend over half of it on something that's eventually going to lead nowhere. Mind you, it didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped either, which didn't help its chances of going in the 'paper. In the end, I felt it still has a place on this site purely because if this review had been written a couple of months ago (when I had a slightly larger section in the 'paper) I would definitely have put this version forward instead of the other one.

PS. God, that was heavy stuff. I hope I'm not getting you down.