ETERNAL FLAME

Atomic Kitten

Gutless. Spineless. Lifeless. Passionless. Drivetime. Boring. Syrupy. Contrived. Uninspired. Sickly. Monotonous. If you ever wondered why the chap in the Happy Eater logo was apparently shoving his fingers down his throat, I can tell you it wasn't the food (that was actually OK). There is a certain threshold of Last Song At The School Disco ballads that one can take before finally snapping. This is a Happy Eater song through and through.

CRYSTAL

New Order

When you're in your forties (twenties if you're Westlife) you're meant to calm down and start slowing the pace of your songs to Horlicks-compatible speed and generally take it easy after getting all that youthful energy out of your system. You're not meant to hurl a mad rocker like this at an unsuspecting world. Good thing New Order did just that, because this is quality merchandise. It's loaded with guitars, sounds very much like the Brotherhood era revisited and it's moodier than B.A. Baracus upon realising he's airborne. I would say it's their best single in a very long time, but as it's their first single in a very long time that's unfair. Beats the hell out of Eternal Flame though.