ESSENTIAL SELECTION 98

Various Artists / Pete Tong / Paul Oakenfold (album)

So, yet another mix album. Some of the more recent efforts have, quite frankly, been utter tat (one which shall remain nameless speeded up one song to a quite stunning velocity just so it would mix in with another, totally different style of song, the results were truly laughable). This won’t be tat. Let’s face it, Pete Tong knows what he’s doing and the likelihood of Paul Oakenfold turning out a duffer is about the same as Colchester getting stuffed by some Non-League side in the Cup – er, oh dear. This will be good, it has to be.

NB. That Non-League side was Bedlington Terriers and they did beat Colchester United. Well, it was topical at the time.

I LOVE THE WAY YOU LOVE ME

Boyzone

Boyzone are one of those bands you daren’t have a go at – perhaps it’s illegal, but they’re going down the same road as Wet Wet Wet and everyone knows how untouchable they are. There’s a formula to making yourself invincible and it goes something like this…

1. Start off as a jolly band, making light frothy tunes that offend nobody.

2. Gradually slow down the tempo of the songs, so that when something upbeat appears it’s an event. Accompany video and TV appearances with smouldering looks that say "Ladies, we’re all yours".

3. By the time of the third album, you are regarded as balladmeisters of legendary proportions and everybody worships the ground you walk on.

Somewhat unsurprisingly, this is a ballad and it will get to Number One and it’s well up to their usual standard.

THE POWER OF GOODBYE

Madonna

Remember the good old days when everything Madonna put out was expected to reach the top? Good, because this won’t. It’s nothing personal, but going head to head with Boyzone is not a wise move these days what with their legion of fans ready to pounce on Monday like a litter of kittens stoned on catnip. She proves here that she can still do the slow stuff, though and that’s all you can ask.