CHEEKAH BOW BOW (THAT COMPUTER SONG)

Vengaboys

Vengaboys singles should come with the Samaritans' phone number printed on them, they're that distressing to listen to. Every time they release a single, I think it just has to be better than the last, after all nobody can get worse with every single thing they put out over a two year period, surely. Funny how you can be so wrong, isn't it? I suppose I brought this on myself, seeing as last time they brought out something I challenged them to do their worst. They have duly obliged. This song is such a disaster that I'm surprised Kate Adie hasn't reported on it. Musically it's identical to just about everything else they've ever done and the lyrics, with their ambiguous computer references, are just embarrassing. It's apparently sung by a green robot called Cheekah and… well, do I really need to go on after that? God knows the Vengaboys shouldn't.

SUNSET (BIRD OF PREY)

Fatboy Slim

Norman Cook seems very happy these days and you can't really blame him, after all, his major claim to fame is sharing a flat with Mel off Big Brother and you don't get much bigger than that, now do you? To celebrate the fact that everything's tickety-boo, he's decided to take it easy. After all, there's only so many records you can bring out that go Bash Bash Bash and sample something nobody's ever heard of, even if they are good (which as a rule they tend to be), so things are now a little different. Instead a song that pounds your brain until it begs you to put it out of its misery, you now get a lovely, relaxing, dreamy song that's the musical equivalent of a nice warm bath loaded with either Radox or Matey (depending on your personal preference). Four minutes of complete and utter bliss, that's what your four quid's going to get you and nothing, not even the way the singer pronounces the word flying as fly-ing, can spoil it. This is so obviously the best thing he's ever done (and that includes Happy Hour) it's unbelievable and if there's any justice in the world this will shoot straight to No1 and stay there for a few weeks. However, there is no justice (look at what's hit the top this year), so he's going to have to work for his chart topper.