KERNKRAFT 400

Zombie Nation

Well, this is a strange old fish and no mistake. I suppose the best way to describe it would be like an instrumental recorded by Depeche Mode way back in 1981 (when real musical instruments were against the law for pretty much everyone) and hidden away in the deep recesses of Mute Records' vaults until some scallywag found it purely by accident, thought "Hang on I can make a hit out of this" and released it virtually unaltered. What does this mean to you, the listener? Well, lots of synthesisers for a start and I don't mean the naff Yamaha-slung-over-the-shoulder variety either. No, I mean the huge monsters with wires sticking out of them and big wooden cases. You also get some vocoded bloke saying "Zombie Nation" quite a bit, but don't feel sorry for him because even though it's the only job he has, he belts out those two words. OK then, maybe he doesn't, but he does what he can with the resources he's got. To be honest though, this isn't anywhere near as bad as I thought it was going to be. Actually, for an eighties throwback it's quite good. In case you're wondering how bad it could've been, remember that The Birdie Song also came out in 1981.

AGAINST ALL ODDS

Mariah Carey & Westlife

How? Why?

Disbelief, horror, despair, I feel all of these things as I listen to this… this… thing. The first time I heard it I refused to believe it was real and now, after a couple of listens it's just sinking in. I can't believe they actually went through with this, I really can't. I've heard some horrors in my time as music reviewer for this esteemed tome, but this doesn't just take the biscuit, it takes the whole damned packet. Everything about this single screams "Designed Purely To Get A No1", although the tune stays close to Phil Collins' original. Westlife are in full-on Cigarette-Lighters-Aloft-Let-Me-See-Those-Hands mode as usual and Mariah, well, she waits a full three minutes before her famed Human Dog Whistle impersonation, but the real problem is that there's not an ounce of genuine feeling in the way they sing it. They sing what's on the page, but they don't sound like they give a stuff about what it all means. Just say no, kids.