TAKE ON ME

A1

Yes, the A-ha song. The one they had to release three times before it became a hit. The one that only became a hit because of the amazing animation / live-action video. The one that didn't get to No1 and was followed by one that did (The Sun Always Shines On TV) that was much better anyway. Now, if you're thinking I hate the song you'd actually be wrong (no really), it's just that it was a fairly standard we-want-to-be-famous pop song. So why would A1 want to cover it? Well, they sound like a fairly standard we-want-to-be-famous pop band, that's why. Any get up and go that lurked within the original has been told to clear its desk and then been escorted out by security and as a result it's got as much joy and enthusiasm as a turkey with an advent calendar. There's really no reason for this sort of thing to get released, so perhaps if we ignore it it'll go away.

GROOVEJET (IF THIS AIN’T LOVE)

Spiller

Proof, if it were needed, that disco lives forever. You already know how this goes (it's the song used in the Radio 1 advert with the tubby bloke who gradually gets thinner as he dances) and you also know that it's going to go straight to No1 when it's released, so instead of wasting your time telling you what you already know I thought I'd give away a little bit of space on this page for you to write down anything you want.

Kind, aren't I? Now for the stuff you probably don't know (it won't take long). I actually quite like the song myself, it's nice and mellow and doesn't outstay it's welcome - mind you, the instrumental version's the best though.

RONAN

Ronan Keating (album)

Very sweet, very charming, very professionally done and very, very boring. If you've heard his singles then you already know how this album's going to sound, that's how predictable the whole thing is. Much as I despise the total blandness of the album, I feel I must offer two words of warning for Mr Keating - Gary Barlow. He too went down this road of providing safe, crowd-pleasing, Des O'Connor Tonight headlining pop and look where he is now. Actually, where is he now? Enough said.